::mindless blabber::

November 30, 2005

forget him not…

was just flipping thru channels on Astro and there i wa stuck in MTV.. they were playing new clips from artistes..

so happened mariah carey has a new video clip called “Dont forget About Us”.. was listening to it and also watching the clip.. the clip has a seminude good looking guy (cant help but noticed) with her (lucky woman coz there is a scene she was in the pool with him, arghhh some ppl have all the luck) after that the song was also playing on the radio.. i cant help but notice the lyrics..

so here is the full lyrics for the song :

    Don’t Forget About Us
    by Mariah Carey
    Intro:
    (Don’t forget about us)
    Don’t baby, don’t baby, don’t let it go
    No baby, no baby, no baby no
    Don’t baby, don’t baby, don’t let it go
    My baby boy…

    (Verse I)
    Just let it die
    With no goodbyes
    Details don’t matter
    We both paid the price
    Tears in my eyes
    You know sometimes
    It’d be like that baby

    (Bridge I)
    Now everytime I see you
    I pretend I’m fine
    When I wanna reach out to you
    But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
    Baby I must confess
    We were bigger than anything
    Remember us at our best
    And don’t forget about

    (Chorus)
    Late nights, Late nights, playing in the dark and waking up inside my arms
    And wakin’ up inside my arms
    Boy, you’ll always be in my heart and
    I can see it in your eyes
    You still want it
    So don’t forget about us

    I’m just speaking from experience
    Nothing can compare to your first true love
    So I hope this will remind you
    When it’s for real, it’s forever
    So don’t forget about us

    (Verse II)
    Oh they say
    That you’re in a new relationship
    But we both know
    Nothing comes close to
    What we had, it perseveres
    That we both can’t forget it
    How good we used to get it

    (Bridge II)
    There’s only one me and you
    And how we used to shine
    No matter what you go through
    We are one, that’s a fact
    That you can’t deny
    So baby we just can’t let
    The fire pass us by
    Forever we’d both regret
    So don’t forget about

    (Chorus)

    (Rap)
    And if she’s got your head all messed up now
    That’s the trickery
    She’ll wanna have like you know how this lovin’ used to be
    I bet she can’t do like me
    She’ll never be MC

    Baby don’t you, don’t you forget about us

    (Chorus x2)

    Don’t baby, don’t baby, don’t let it go
    No baby, no baby, no baby no
    Don’t baby, don’t baby, don’t let it go

    When it’s for real, it’s forever
    So don’t forget about us.

well it talk about two person after they have gone their separate ways and she wants the guy not to forget about what they used to have.. well sort of reminded me that i should not forget about the relationship i had with my current (soon to be ex) bf.

is it that easy to forget about a love relationship that u had with someone? it seems that is so much easier for guys to forget and just find another. as for a girl, its not that easy. sometimes i wished that it was easy to just forget the hurt that the person has caused me but then it never heals…

over the year till now, i still hold grudges against my parents, a friend of mine and also a particular bitchy former working colleague. is it so easy to forgive and forget? i am a particularly forgiving person provided if that person has not really make me really mad/angry and hurt. now i have another one to add to the list that i would never forget and maybe not able to even heal my heart out of it. cut is too deep that even if it heals, it continues to bleed inside.

i know i wont be able to forget the first time i met him where we enjoy the first new year eve firework display in the sky’s of KL. i wont forget the first date that we went on and what he told me over the fried chicken that he was having. i wont forget the first Valentine’s Day that we had at Gentings and what we did over that dark little corner by the road. i wont forget the time when he first told me that he loves me. i wont forget the first time i ever cried so much over becoz i want to be with him so much at that time. i wont forget the time that i woke up in his arms and whispered “I love you” in his ears while he was sleeping. i wont forget the time i had to wait for him hours and hours at the lrt station after his classes.

i wont forget the time i spent the nite at his house and it was raining the whole night thru. i wont forget the time he drove all the way to PD just for us to catch the rising sun by the sea. i wont forget every time when we went for movie, how he held me and hug me when he was too afraid to look at the screen. i wont forget all the times that he has minor accidents like bumming his head on stuff and never failed to make laugh. i wont forget the time that i was so sad that i called him late at night and we talked for hours. i wont forget the times that he has held me and comforted me when i was angry/sad and depressed and felt life was not worth living.

i wont forget the times we went to the swim pool and the time i taught him how to swim. i wont forget the time when i got my first birthday present and all the other 3 presents for the following birthdays. i wont forget the time he gave me that big jar of hershey kisses for valentine’s day. i won forget the times when he bought clothes, jewellery, momentos, souvenirs for me. i wont forget the times that he would have to brave rain, traffic jams, accidents just to come and see me. i wont forget the times that i confide to him my feelings, my sadness, my secrets and strip of all of my ego and the confident me to reveal a fragile me.

there is too many things that just would remind me of him.. there are too many things that we did that and now i would have to do some of these things by my own like watching movie, goin to the gym, swim, spend time at the bookstores, go drink coffee, yamchar, on valentine’s day, christmas, new year eve and public holidays. it is not as though i do not have friends to hang and do these things but one of the perks of having a bf is that you can do these things when you like and its easy to set a time to do it. with friends especially girls, its more difficult to organize and meet and plus we all live so far away from each other.

i talked to a good friend recently and he told me he feel in love with a girl. i should be happy for him but am not becoz he was still attached to his gf. i felt like smacking him and asked him what happened. long story short, he said he broke up with this girl due to parents’ pressure and decided to be with his current gf that he no longer has feelings for. i mean back a few months ago, he complained abt his gf and i told him to break it off if they were not happy. and now it seems that he wanted so much to break off with his gf to be with someone else..

wow looks like he just changed overnite becoz he only met this new girl a month or so.. there is a chinese saying that goes like “nobody dislikes new things”. well i dun need to explain what it means coz it self explanatory..
it seems so easy for him to just forget his current gf and he claims to love someone else. hmmm… why? i asked him why??? i asked myself why??

i asked myself whether this would happen to my bf as well. and i think it would. before long he would be able to find someone else just like that and claim that person to be the love of his life.. ouch the thought of it really hurts and i am just feeling it now. why does love really needs to hurt? cant i just switch it hurt off and on just like how guys do it? i used to think that drinking would help to numb the depression that i had before but it never helped until i found someone to confide in. now, i am losing that someone and i do not even dare to think whan i would be doing to combat my depression…

so much thoughts and without even realizing, is the month of December. the month that i was dreading. for normal people, they would look forward for this month becoz of christmas, year end sale, new year eve, holidays and time to spend wih family and loved one. well, for me its different. i wished i could go away and not stay around for the holidays.. and again wishful thinking…

i think its enough for today..

November 24, 2005

what a relief…

yes… i have finally done with my Final Year Project…

well not exactly done.. my program is half way done… and i have yet to print another copy of the documentation to be submitted as the hard bound copy..

ah wel at least one worry in my mind is gone. anyway next week i have two more project to complete… well that is next week.. now i need to get some much needed sleep.

just a few more days, it would be my bf’s birthday. i better remind myself to get him something since it would be the last birthday that i would be celebrating with him

just a few more weeks and i would be having my exams and after that its christmas and also the last time i am ever gonna celebrate christmas with him as well.

the end could not be avoided. but it was a wonder how time flies when u do not want it come so soon. i have been dreading the end for so long and it is about to come true. sometimes i wish time would just stop at the moment that i was the most happy when i was with him. i just dont feel like goin home but just want to spend that moment with him.

i hate the fact that i am no longer goin to be his gf. i also hate that i have no one to talk to anymore. no more calling him in the middle of the nite talking to him, ranting abt my life to him.. no more comforting hugs and kisses from him when i just feel insecure and feeling ugly at time..

hmmm… breaking up with someone so close to you and after being with that person for some time is very difficult. it is like losing a part of yourself as well. i do not know how life would be after the breakup.. i am sure i am goin to be miserable.. mopping around.. just being depressed… well at least i have something to look forward to next year…

i have my graduation next year.. then i am planning to travel a bit. visit a friend in singapore.. (better remind myself to get a passport first) get a job.. get a new bf (hahaha rite like that is goin to happen) well i dun think that would be happening.. maybe i just go out with some guys that is all..

i am not in the right mind/mode to be getting into another relationship after this one.. maybe not for a few year or maybe not ever.. people have been telling that i would find someone else eventually and dont lose hope in finding another. i dun know about that. my situation is quite complicated… i am in religion that i do not believe in . i cant get out of it and i do not want the other person to convert intomy religion…

complicated?? told you so.. sometimes i wish i just dont have this burden.. i just want to be able not to feel anything so that i wont be able to fall in love and feel attached to anything.. but i cant.. it is just not me.. what am i gonna do? what do i wished to do after this?? before this i wanted to study and get my degree done so badly and its hard to even imagine that i am sooo gonna graduate soon. just this last month and i am done..

i always plan ahead.. but becoz of this breakup the plan is just went down the toilet. i thought me and him could have a future together.. was imagining getting a place to stay with him, buy furnitures, live with him and all.. but that hope now is gone all gone.. nothing anymore.. right now, i just need to plan my life again.

what am i goin to do in the next 5 years?? let’s see..

1. get a job (preferably not in malaysia)
2. move out and stay on my own (preferably far far away from my parents)
3. get a cat
4. lose 30 lbs the most and keep it off
5. grow a herb garden
6. get a car, laptop and my own place
7. travel to Australia/USA/Europe/China

i think that is all about it that i want to do in the next 5 year or so.. the next 5 year later.. i dun know.. life is too short that you need to plan everything in advance. i just like to have 5 year plans so that it would be realistic.

well.. its wishful thinking.. till then..

November 21, 2005

deadlines or really dead lines?

Filed under: College Life

here i am again.. i am supposed to be doing my project and i decided to kill myself by blogging…

i am in a frenzy here trying to finish up my documentation and finish at least half of the coding…

i know i know its my fault that i let others govern me by taking my time from doing my project but sometimes i just wanna make other people happy and me miserable…

i spent the Raya holiday not in holiday but rather like taking all the free time cleaning the house/baking/sewing for 3 days before Raya and on Raya i still had to serve/clean and stuff. after that i was so tired that i needed a few days to rest.. after that i was supposed to be doing my project but i was busy with some other things like i dont know what…

i should just kill myself right now becoz i am not even done 50% of my documentation and 10% of my coding… argh… anyway i dont even know whether i could finish the documentation in time but i would try.. anyway i better get off now before my brain stops working…

not goin to be sleeping for two days until the deadline this wednesday and oh yah i forgot, i still have the freaking DCCN deadlines on the 25th which is this Friday as well… f*ck, i didnt start anything on that yet…

better go now…

November 19, 2005

Goodbye to you…

Filed under: Relationships

was doing my final Year project documentation and was listening to my mp3 collection and i came across this song “Goodbye to you” by Michelle Branch. how time flies and now its end of November. before long its only one more month to 2006. this also means that me and my current Bf is goin our separate ways. i have just recently be in contact with some old friends and they asked about whether i am attached or single.

i havent been single for so long that normally i would just say that i am happily attached to a wonderful guy but now the answer is that i normally would say is that it’s complicated. i am attached but i am breaking up by the end of the year. Then people will ask what does that mean. i would normally tell that well we need time to cool things off before we officially call our relationship off.

as crazy as it sound but then it just make the transition from being a couple with someone to becoming single again less painful and not so hurtful. its not easy to suddenly wake up and not think about someone u loved is simply just not there anymore (not died lah.. meaning broke up with that person) u cant never pick up the phone and call him anymore. u dont have someone to hold your hand when u are shopping/crossing the road/ watching movies in a cold cinema/share a drink/share food anymore…

you are all alone again.. i know i shoudl be doin my work but then reality just struck and i just was reminded that it would eventually happen. that is that we are breaking up so soon. there is nothing that i could do to change it. i was pondering whether that i should remain friends with him or not.. whether i should return all things that remind me of him.. should i burn all his pictures/letters…. what should i do?

i was also wondering whether he would eventually find someone else and tell her that he loves her and how that would really break my heart. i was also pondering the fact that he would find someone and would end up marrying her and not me. have his children and spend the rest of her life with him instead of me with him. all this wondering and pondering is no good.. but i really thought that i was goin to be with him forever..

i never thought that i would eventually spend the rest of my life being single and have no one to love. yes people would tell me come on you will find someone else. but its not that easy and as i normally would tell people that its complicated. its also not easy to find someone that you want to end up spending the rest of your life with him/her. i thought i finally found him and can finally settle down with a good one..

unfortunately good things that happen in my life normally would just end up bad in the end. well singlehood here i come.. i am back to you again. goodbye to couplehood..

i was reading my friend’s blog (michelle) and she is in a writing frenzy.. she was writing this love story about a girl who was dumped by a guy and now after 8 years the guy is marrying someone else. i was thinking maybe i would eventually end up being like that girl in the story. she never got over the breakup and still loves the guy who broke her heart..

sometimes i wish that i do not have feelings so when things like this happen, i wont feel anything. i wished i was heartless and cold.. coz when these things happen it really hurt deep in the heart and you may or may never recover from it. and there is no cure from it. even someone with heart problems could have a heart transplant but when your heart gets broken, it never heals. you cant replace that heart ever and it woudl never be the same way again.

i think when the time comes, i would be listening to heart broken songs and just mop around for a few weeks/months/years.. who knows? he thinks that i would easily find someone else but it just took him a few weeks to find someone else behind my back.. how hurtful is that? in this relationship, i was always being the one convincing him that he was the only one that i am with, the one that i truly love and the one that i want to be with and not with anyone else. in the end, he was the one that did not stick to his words and did something that he wont want me to do.

i just couldnt believe it and that there is no way we could be together anymore. he wants out and there is no way that i could convince him otherwise. why do i want this relationship so much even after he has betrayed me? i dont know.. i guess when you love someone and when they make a mistake, u just accept it and still love them no matter what. that is me i guess… its like this song from ricky martin called I don’t Care about him finding his future wife bonking some guy but wants her back… he doesnt care what she did but wants her still..

i think i better finish my work… and stop listening to my heart…

My first post here!

Filed under: Anything else...

This is goin to be a short post becoz I am so busy with my Final Year Project now.

This is gonna be my primary blogging place until Modblog gets its server stable. Else bye bye modblog and this is gonna be my blogging playground.

Till then..

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