::mindless blabber::

was doing my final Year project documentation and was listening to my mp3 collection and i came across this song “Goodbye to you” by Michelle Branch. how time flies and now its end of November. before long its only one more month to 2006. this also means that me and my current Bf is goin our separate ways. i have just recently be in contact with some old friends and they asked about whether i am attached or single.

i havent been single for so long that normally i would just say that i am happily attached to a wonderful guy but now the answer is that i normally would say is that it’s complicated. i am attached but i am breaking up by the end of the year. Then people will ask what does that mean. i would normally tell that well we need time to cool things off before we officially call our relationship off.

as crazy as it sound but then it just make the transition from being a couple with someone to becoming single again less painful and not so hurtful. its not easy to suddenly wake up and not think about someone u loved is simply just not there anymore (not died lah.. meaning broke up with that person) u cant never pick up the phone and call him anymore. u dont have someone to hold your hand when u are shopping/crossing the road/ watching movies in a cold cinema/share a drink/share food anymore…

you are all alone again.. i know i shoudl be doin my work but then reality just struck and i just was reminded that it would eventually happen. that is that we are breaking up so soon. there is nothing that i could do to change it. i was pondering whether that i should remain friends with him or not.. whether i should return all things that remind me of him.. should i burn all his pictures/letters…. what should i do?

i was also wondering whether he would eventually find someone else and tell her that he loves her and how that would really break my heart. i was also pondering the fact that he would find someone and would end up marrying her and not me. have his children and spend the rest of her life with him instead of me with him. all this wondering and pondering is no good.. but i really thought that i was goin to be with him forever..

i never thought that i would eventually spend the rest of my life being single and have no one to love. yes people would tell me come on you will find someone else. but its not that easy and as i normally would tell people that its complicated. its also not easy to find someone that you want to end up spending the rest of your life with him/her. i thought i finally found him and can finally settle down with a good one..

unfortunately good things that happen in my life normally would just end up bad in the end. well singlehood here i come.. i am back to you again. goodbye to couplehood..

i was reading my friend’s blog (michelle) and she is in a writing frenzy.. she was writing this love story about a girl who was dumped by a guy and now after 8 years the guy is marrying someone else. i was thinking maybe i would eventually end up being like that girl in the story. she never got over the breakup and still loves the guy who broke her heart..

sometimes i wish that i do not have feelings so when things like this happen, i wont feel anything. i wished i was heartless and cold.. coz when these things happen it really hurt deep in the heart and you may or may never recover from it. and there is no cure from it. even someone with heart problems could have a heart transplant but when your heart gets broken, it never heals. you cant replace that heart ever and it woudl never be the same way again.

i think when the time comes, i would be listening to heart broken songs and just mop around for a few weeks/months/years.. who knows? he thinks that i would easily find someone else but it just took him a few weeks to find someone else behind my back.. how hurtful is that? in this relationship, i was always being the one convincing him that he was the only one that i am with, the one that i truly love and the one that i want to be with and not with anyone else. in the end, he was the one that did not stick to his words and did something that he wont want me to do.

i just couldnt believe it and that there is no way we could be together anymore. he wants out and there is no way that i could convince him otherwise. why do i want this relationship so much even after he has betrayed me? i dont know.. i guess when you love someone and when they make a mistake, u just accept it and still love them no matter what. that is me i guess… its like this song from ricky martin called I don’t Care about him finding his future wife bonking some guy but wants her back… he doesnt care what she did but wants her still..

i think i better finish my work… and stop listening to my heart…