::mindless blabber::

its new year eve and i am at home. i did not go out anywhere but stayed at home. before i even noticed, year 2005 slipped under my nose and here comes year 2006.

year 2005 was really an eventful year for me. it has many joys, sadness and sorrow in it. it is more sad than happy moments that would make me remember year 2005. it is the year that i finally graduated. it is the year that i found out that my bf lied and cheated on me. it is the year that i broke off with my bf. well i think by now i should be referring him as my ex since 2005 is over and there is no chance for us to get back together again.

it was also the year that i learnt a lot of myself, of people and of men in particular. i find that men can always promise u everything nice and good and the heaven and the earth but when it is time for them to really sacrifice for you, they never come thru their promises. it was also the year that made me realised that it wasnt worth it for me to be sad for guy who says he loves me but he just couldnt be with me anymore. i also realized that maybe i am meant to be alone and there isnt anyone out there made for me.

i also realized that in year 2005, what i wanted in life and what i need in my life at the moment. the memories in the year 2005 would never leave me and forever leave a mark in my life. that is why i am gonna get a tattoo to commemorate it. eventhough year 2005 was more sad and sorrowful for me but then i guess all this must have happened for a reason and the reason is to make me stronger.

no doubt i feel sad and alone and miserable but then i guess this hurtful feeling would soon leave me but then it would always be there to remind me not to make the same mistakes again.

so what am i to look forward in the year 2006? hopefully a good job to expand my career overseas and also for me to move out away from my parents and family and finally be on my own. i guess that would make me happier and not so miserable. in terms of relationship-wise i guess that would have to take a seat back becoz i dun feel like having a love relationship with a guy anymore. i just do not want to get hurt anymore.. i wished my heart do not hurt but then i cant help it becoz it hurts everytime i see a couple walking by, places that remind me of him, the food that we used to enjoy together and simple things that make me remind me of him.

goodbye 2005, goodbye dearest, goodbye love, goodbye sorrow, goodbye sadness…

as for the rest of you, i hope u have a great happy new year and a good year ahead of u!

it was a long week and beside the fact that my exams are over and i am semi-graduated from college with a degree. i was somewhat feeling lonely and sad. why? i should be happy but then i am sad at the same time. my last exam was on friday and that nite itself i was invited to a christmas party by my ex-employer, Ms Liza at her office.

it is normal for her to have the office christmas party with a lot of good food and lots and lots of booze as well. anyway i went by myself and left by myself… after the exams, i went to have something good to eat and celebrate but then i didnt have the appetite to eat. i went for sushi and i can hardly finish even 5 plates of sushi. normally i would eat about 10-12 plates but now i just couldnt eat.

during the christmas party, i just had a serving of turkey, some vegs and mushroom and i cant eat anymore. i am not sure why and what happened to me. but i know i had a lot of champagne, white and red wine. needless to say i finish my nite a bit drunk and very high. luckily i could still behave myself and didnt puke in my friend’s car. i do not even remember how much booze i had because i kept refilling my glass.

i came back quite early at abt 11pm and my parents was still awake and they have never seen me quite high like this. in my entire life of boozing, i have only got drunk twice and needed ppl to help me get sober. i was high and a but drunk but i still managed to take a bath, change and went to bed. i woke up from a hangover and got over that myself as well. life is starting to feel really empty.

before this, college life and stuff filled my life with things to do. but now since i am graduating, i am feeling an empty void. it doesnt help as well that i am separating from my bf as well. it is making my life feel really really empty. i have a lot of friends in college but then i am not really close to anyone. most probably becoz i have always been a loner in my entire life. i was never the one who play with people in school when i was younger. i always played with myself, read books by myself and all. until my parents started to get worried when i was 8 and wanted to send me to see a shrink. hahaha.. that snapped me to reality and that i had to make friends to avoid this from happening.

yes i have friends and people know and remember me from school but then i am still very much a loner at heart. i can go and watch a movie all by myself before i got hooked up. now i have to get back to that. christmas eve was really pathetic today becoz i had no one to go out with and my bf for some reason is avoiding me. i went to gym and it was really really quiet and it was nice to work out when there is so little people in the gym. plus some of those working out are some good looking guys. hahahah what a way to celebrate christmas eve.

after the workout, i went looking for food and cant help but noticed couples passing my way, happy parents with their young children and all taking photos and shopping and chattering about. get really really make me feel sad and lonely. taking a long and slow walk home, i tried to clear my mind from all this but then it is hard for me to not think about it.

i wished i didnt have this empty void in my life. i always felt empty and lonely. i do not know why. now i just really feeling it eventhough i am at home with my entire family. i have no sense of belonging and no sense of feeling happy for any reason. feeling is numb and i hate it. i just hate the holiday seasons.

well for people who are more lucky than me, have a happy christmas and great new year. as for me, i need to get myself busy and not think about anything at especially about the empty void and loneliness.

i was reading my friend’s blog Michelle about how people nowadays choose their love partner according to what they think is important like status, money, looks and etc. In fact i understand her complain on this. yes people nowadays are so superficial and materialistic.

but we have to face the eventual truth as my mom would always tell me if i see a good looking guy or actor, she would say “leng chai sek tak bau?” meaning good looking guy wont can make ur stomach full ? something to that context which means that if you are with a good looking that doesnt mean he can provide for you. coming from a family with a lot of female cousins and all surely gives u an experience.

my maternal relatives especially my aunts would be looking for suitors for their daughters according to their criteria but luckily my cousins has the say in who they want to marry and be with and they are quite open minded about it but somehow sometimes when i hear their conversation, i feel that they have a certain criteria for the guy chosen. Be it status, money, career and whether they come for a rich or good family background.

this would probably remind me of the book “Pride & Prejudice” by Jane Austen… i have this mental image of my aunt being Mrs Bennet looking for suitors for one of her daughters (my aunt has 4 daughters and Mrs Bennet has 5 daughters so they are quite similar) two of my cousins are married and the other two are attached or in a relationship. one of them are getting married soon.

all in all that leaves me and my other cousin (same age with me) single. every chinese new year my aunties would never fail to ask whether we have boyfriends and are we currently dating or seeing anyone.. i remembered telling my aunt that i was with my current bf who is a lawyer and she said “WOW!” see what status can do to a person. well this part remind me of a scene from a P.Ramlee movie “Ibu MertuaKu” where his mother in law asked her daughter what is Kassim Selamat’s (P.Ramlee’s role in the movie) job was. Whether he is a lawyer, magistrate, doctor? What!?Musician?

in my past experience in the relationship scene, i would have to say at first i go for looks coz u know being gullible and young and naive with hormones kicking, girls would always go for the good looking bad boy. i had my share of those guys but i never really had a relationship with them becoz most of them would treat me as friends. as i matured and all, i gave myself some standards which i have set that would qualify the guy to be in the “potential” list. First, the guy must be smarter than me be it booksmart or street smart and even better both becozi believe that both is actually better.

Next, the guy has to be humourous and funny. Not sick funny or pervert funny but funny in his own way. Can be slap stick comedy or stand up comedian.. i believe this is important coz i mean u need someone to cheer u up when u are down and also that person is humble enough to laugh at himself when he makes a fool of himself (gosh this remind me of my current bf that is why i love him so!)

last the guy has to be ok looking not like distorted looks or alien like just normal or average. being a person of average looks (some say above average, ppl has said this to me and i am not fabricating facts!), i would expect the guy to look awfully ugly. my current bf always thought he was ugly but i never thought he was ugly but i thought he was quite adorable and cute (he said yeah.. ugly but adorable right?) i mean if the guy has a big scar on his face then uhmm that could mean a lot of thing.. scars on our body are like history to us and it gives us personality and that is one of the reasons why i am so drawn to having tattoos.

my criteria may not seem too difficult to achieve and i also make exceptions becoz i believe no one is perfect. i can accept the guy if he fulfills two of the criterias that i just mentioned but the guy has to fulfill the smart part and the funny part. looks dont really matter to me. most important is that the guy is smart coz in teh past, i have guy friends who are not smart and they talk nonsense all the time. i mean once in a while it is ok but to talk abt nothing intelligent is really draining.

me and my current bf would usually talk abt politics, books and stuff like PCs, general knowledge stuff, religion, law and all. i mean i would like to have a meaningful conversation with a guy and not just talking abt his high game scoring PS 2 game or just about PCs and stuff. also it helps if the guy has nothing in common with me so then there are more things to talk about and discover together.

so is love really blind? yes it is… it is just people putting up barriers for themselves to achieve society’s acceptance. society’s acceptance meaning a guy must have money, status, a good career, car, house and etc…
what is important is not to follow the norm but then to defy the norm and make your own rules but then not to be too stringent that you cant find anyone. as the saying goes, rules are made to be broken….

so know anyone who fulfills MY criterias??? hahaha… me talking crap..

anyway i heard this song called “Ugly” by Sugababes from their latest album. its quite nice and almost simliar to Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” Just wanna share the lyris with u all. i think it is really meaningful and great emo booster!

Ugly by Sugababes

When I was 7
They said I was strange
I noticed that my eyes and hair weren’t the same
I asked my parents if I was OK
They said you’re more beautiful
And that’s the way they show that they wish
They had your smile
So my confidence was up for a while
I got real comfortable with my own style
I knew that they were only jealous cos

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I’m ugly then
So are you
So are you

There was a time when I felt like I cared
That I was shorter than everyone there
People made me feel like life was unfair
And I did things that made me ashamed
Cos I didn’t know my body would change
I grew taller than them in more ways
But there will always be the one who will say
Something bad to make them feel great

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I’m ugly then
So are you
So are you

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I’m ugly then
So are you
So are you

Everybody talks bad about somebody
And never realises how it affects somebody
And you bet it won’t be forgotten
Envy is the only thing it could be

Cos people are all the same
(The same, the same)
And we only get judged by what we do
(What we do, yeah, yeah)
Personality reflects name
And if I’m ugly then
(Yeah, you)
So are you
So are you

People are all the same
(Oh, oh, oh)
And we only get judged by what we do
(What we do, yeah)
Personality reflects name
And if I’m ugly then
(Yeah, so are you)
So are you
So are you

i just so happened to have caught a MTV video of James Blunt’s “GoodBye my Love”. I was not really listening to the lyrics but i was drawn to his voice. I didnt quite like his first release “You’re Beautiful” so i was not really paying attention to the lyrics.

but this song struck a chord in my heart after i really listen to the lyric carefully. it is a song about him saying goodbye to his lover and that they are goin their separate ways. It talks about how he misses her and all the things that had happened between and i really liked the part where he wrote that he is addicted to her.

which brings to mind that how can u stop ur addiction to someone just like that? there would be withdrawal effects like how a drug addict would do if he/she were to suddenly stop taking drugs. so how do u go cold turkey on a relationship? there isnt a help book on that (i dun like really help books coz it may helped the author but maybe not in my situation)

the song end with the line “I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.” that is what i feeling at the moment eventhough it is not official yet but then the hollowness is fet becoz nowadays we do not spend much time together anymore. it is suppose to smooth the transition from couplehood to singlehood but i cant help feeling hollow.

i have a lot of things to do and have a lot to look forward but i have no one to share it with. what is the point of having so many great things happening to u but deep down u are feeling quite sad, hollow and depressed? hmm…i look forward to things to happen to me next year but not with a lot zest to it. i just take it to just get on and move on with life. life goes on for me but then the heart has stopped functioning. like the song, i too feel hollow and all alone. till then.

James Blunt : Goodbye My Love

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.(x2)

at last i finished all assignments and projects… that is a relief and also it was worrying coz after that my exams are coming…

my exams fall before christmas. its 4 days all together on 19th, 21st, 22nd and 23rd of December… a real nightmare before christmas. anyway before long everything will be finished and then come January 2006 would be my Final Year Project Presentation. and then i would officially graduate. well results would only be out in March and then the graduation convocation takes place in May 2006..

it was long journey indeed. next year i would have a lot of things and i would have less of some things as well. well first of all, i wont be a college student anymore but i would be working. i wont be penniless anymore since i would be working… (hopefully i learn to manage my money better) i wont be someone’s girlfriend anymore and would have to venture to singlehood again.. probably this time not goin to be prowling for available guys and all. maybe just have couple of fun dates and all and nothing serious.

i wont be staying with my family as well (hopefully i could move out and stay somewhere closer to my workplace and further away from my parent’s house) i would also probably get a creadit card (only one that is all coz i dun wanna end up like my dad) i would also have to get over the fact that i am destined to be alone for the rest of my life while my friends all get married and have plenty of godchildren for me to play with.

i would probably have more freedom to do what i want and i wanna get a tattoo next year, go on vacation by myself, talk to myself a lot more, get a couple of pet hamsters for myself.. so many things to look forward too but yet i feel sad..

why? i am hapy abt the part that i am graduating becoz i cant stand all my friends who has graduated and have a career whereas i am still a struggling student trying to get my degree. so i got one thing settled. but then unfortunately i had to let go of the man i love so dearly after 4 years. that is the part that i do not like. also there are other things as well like having to be more independent and be by myself more nowadays. i was used to being alone and doing things alone till i meet my current bf then things changed from “me” to “we”..

now its hard to adjust to being “me” again.. especially when i walk pass other couples and they would watching movies together, eating together, doing things together.. now i have to do all this by myself. i dun know why.. but it just so difficult adjusting.. maybe eventually i would get over it but i cant help and to think maybe i wont be able to get back to being “me” mode ever again.

i told my best friend about this and she said that if i keep thinking like that i would probably hook up with a guy just as a rebound and use the guy.. i told her not a bad idea.. hahaha… nah i dun wanna hurt anyone. not especially when i know the feeling of being hurt by someone u love. as my current bf has said that it would be easy for me to find another one. but then i told him that it is not easy to love someone..

i was so bored and feeling so lonely that i went to IOI mall just to get the car washed.. i went to McD and read my book and cant help to find that the playpen for kids in McDonald was so noisy… there was irritating small girl shouting on top of her lungs and it was really giving me a headache. what has happened to the world these days? where is the girl’s parents? why are they not doing anything to discipline her?

i used to remember back when i was younger, my parents would ask us to sit down quietly in a restaurant or anywhere that we went and to behave ourselves or else we would get punished when we get home. in restaurants and stuff, we are quiet and sit down and behave ourselves else my mom would shot u a look and u would die on the spot! but now kids are so spoilt!!! kids running up and down in restaurants, shopping malls, bookshops and everywhere… its like their parents just let them run wild and not even bother to control their children.. kids are also every dirty and all that and back when i was younger my mom makes sure that we have a hanky to wipe ourselves and also she would bring a lot of tissue or wipes for us. we were not allowed to look shabby or dirty when we are in public else we dun get to go out.

kids are now really spoilt like my sister! she doesnt have to do a single thing at home and she complains all the time. hello… back when i was her age i had to do all the housechores and if i dun i get scolded and stuff like that but now my mom doesnt do that with her. was is that??? i mean why does my mom practice double standards. it is so unfair. when i was 12 i was already doing part of the housechores.. if not i would just heard my mom nagging and telling her friends what a useless daughter i am.

now??? how abt my sister?? she is lazy and useless and doesnt do anything but complain complain and demand demand all the things that she wants. and if she doesnt get it she would throw a big fucking tantrum.. i wished i could do that and get away with it. it is sooo bloody unfair. that is also one of the reason that i want to move out from my parent’s house becoz i want to make my parents feel that they are losing out becoz without me, teh house would not be so clean and things wont get done as it used to.

i want my sister to suffer and aske dto do all the housechores since i wont be around. at least that would teach her a lesson. she just finished spm and she thinks that is it. she wants to start to work and earn big money and there is no need to study anymore.. hahah she is just naive and really really “katak bawah tempurung” i do not know what would become of her.

enough abt my sister… i am penning off now coz i have a migraine.. till then