::mindless blabber::

i do not know why but lately this entire week i have been feeling a bit under the weather. first i got sick on wednesday down with fever, flu and coughing and till now,my flu and cough is not gone yet.

besides getting scolded by my boss G on wednesday for losing a client, i had to tell the truth to a friend and now he is totally ignoring me.. i have a deadline to next week on wednesday to finish editing / filtering and rewriting the research paper and i havent got a clue or mood to even start writing.

so all in all, it was a pretty bad week except yesterday when i went out with my ex so that he could finally get my christmas present. by the way it was clothes for chinese new year.. i was happy for that moment and i just wishing that we didnt break up. hai.. for that short moment i was totally not in the real world.

my net friend james (or rather his real name Timothy) thinks i am always happy and willing to cheer people up all the time but that is not the case. i only had confide to two person about the real me. i am not always happy or positive. in fact i think i am always depressed. i try not to think abt my sadness so then i fake my happiness. becoz deep down inside i know that the moment of happiness is just temporary and wont last for people like me. my fren, chat told me that i do not need to fake happiness and always think that there are people who are in worse conditions than i am at the moment.

yeah i think that way sometimes but then it still doesnt make me feel good or better. in fact it makes me feel worse thinking abt all the unfortunate people out there and i wished i was in their shoes and that they are in my position.. sometimes i am so selfless and sometimes i am so selfish but then i am just human to think about this. i hate the feeling for being alone eventhough that i am with friends or family or even in a crowd.. i do not know if other people ever had the same feeling but then i think a lot of people are actually more lucky than i am.

most people can find happiness in the easiest way : like maybe just getting hooked with someone, getting married, have children and then live the rest of their lives with someone that they love. others may do charity work and that would make them happy. some would just simply do simple things in life like reading a good book and that would make them happy.. for some, having sight or hearing restored would be the happiest day in their life. as for me, eventhough i am not impaired, am not dying from any disease or sickness, can run, walk and talk and do all the simple things in life and yet i cant get love. yes i can get love but then it is not so simple for people like me.. it is complicated and i cannot just simply love someone and not think of what would happen. i can just get on with life without thinking if there is anything else to look forward in life.

many people congratulated me for finally finishing my degree but then why do i feel empty inside and i just dont feel that happy at all. i used to be so wanting to get my degree and when i now i get it, it just doesnt seem to matter to me anymore. i do not know what is wrong with me. i just feel so depressed at the moment. i wished i just couldnt feel anything. i wished i do not have any feelings but then i cant.. it is really really painful becoz i do not know the cause of my pains. it is like u have a pain in your body but the doctors just couldnt find out what is the cause of the pain and they constantly operated on u just to poke here and there to see where is the pain coming from. that is the situation that i am in currently.

i feel sad, depressed, lonely, alone and i feel like giving up on life, hope, faith, anything… just anything.. why?? why??

yes it was the first week of working life. started on tuesday and only had to work for four days.. rejoice but then didnt expect work to be so much..

well for your info, i started work as a temp clerk at a friend’s firm. well A and G first formed a firm then later Y also formed a separate firm after they left L’s firm. i used to work in L’s firm as well. now, A & G and Y have merged their firms together… hahahah well long story cut short all the ex employees of L’s firm are in their own firm now. Another clerk AZ is also from L’s firm..

ok ok i know this is rather confusing but then u will get it soon.. anyway Y has been away in december for long holiday and he gave AZ all his work but when he came back, none of it was done or touched. so when i came in, i was stuck with all his work. anyway i have yet to clear all his backlogged work. i actually only done like half and i need to at least finish up the rest of it by next week so that i could start doing his current work and also help AZ with other work as well.

all in all, it was a pretty hectic week and also very wet week… also very traffic jammed week. the office is in PJ state which is like in the middle of the jam packed areas of PJ, Federal Highway and all. on the first day of work, i was early for work becoz i had to fetch my mom to work first so i wasnt caught in a jam. on the 2nd day, i was kindof tired so i woke up at about 7.15am and left the house at 7.45am.. i was stuck in traffic and reach the office at 9.15am.. that was the traffic at Old Klang Road.. i vow never to use that road again!

anyway on thursday, i took the long way by goin to KL using the Kesas and went back to Federal Highway and there wasnt that much traffic and i was at the office in time and i left home at 7.45am as well. no doubt it was a longer way but then less traffic and less cramps suffered.. (i am driving an manual car)

well, this week also marked the first week that i am gonna be branding myself as a single and available person. i am no longer someone’s girlfriend. well i just want to wipe away the old sad me and start afresh in 2006 so i am not goin to be posting any more post-depressed breakup story anymore.

well this week i met up with an old friend and also a new friend both of which i chatted up online. well the old friend was a net friend i met up last two years ago then we lose touch becoz he went to JB to work and all. I didnt know so many things happened to him and i just gotta kick myself for being such a useless so called friend. anyway we met up for lunch and he update me about his life and all. he is now currently working in a US based company and getting paid in US dollars (envy envy him!!!) he told me the other day some girl from APIIT came and apply for a job and she got it but then she turned it down becoz she was afraid and not confident that she can do the job. WTF!!! and guess how much they are offering her ? RM3K plus becoz they are paid in US dollars…
i was like I WANT THAT JOB!!! I”LL TAKE THE JOB NO MATTER HOW HARD!! stupid gal!

do you even know how difficult to get a job as an IT graduate and to get that pay in an amount as a fresh graduate?? if i was her friend i would be bonking her head on the wall telling her how stupid she is.. anyway after meetiing with my fren (well his name is james) we sort of make plans to meet up again next week.. i know that he liked me since the first day i was his friend but what i didnt know that is that he still does… well i dont know how true is that but then i am more guarded with matter of the heart now.. i do not want to jump into something else before i even recover from the first one.

so the next net friend that i met up was Andrew… he is a Australian based on KL as some engineer (oops i forgot what kind of engineer he is) he was really nice. bought me lunch on saturday. then we chatted and all.. quite a nice fella.. interesting… nice eyes.. (hehehe mat saleh mar…) tall (again mat saleh mar…) i could understand his english and not that much of australian accent. my friends studying in Australia told me at first they couldnt understand some of the english spoken in Australia becoz of the thick accent but then they got used to it after a while. hope to keeping in touch with him.. hahahaha just wishful thinking. also he has a yacht.. wah next time can ask him to take me sailing.. heheheh so jakun (like fish out of water) coz i never went sailing before. well is speedboat on the way to Redang considered?? hahhaha must be delirious liao.

on thursday, i had a meeting with my friends and lecturer, Mr Sanath over at APIIT and it was jammed all the way… anyway meeting was fruitful and i met some of my old Technical Assistant friends over at the library. Ban Soon actually shook my hand and told me congrats for looking so fit… hahahah i was thinking that he was saying congrats for finishing my degree. then me, wan woei and nicole end up at IOI mall for dinner and chatted about many interesting stuff like hmmm is Mr Sanath married (coz he is only 3 years older than me), why Mr Kalai hasnt leave APIIT despite all the rumours surrounding this issue, hmm nicole looking forward to seeing Mr Sanath on his big bike… and wan woei’s brush with death a.k.a Final Year Project presentation. (well for ur info, she survived with multiple gunshots to her body…) that was thursday..

well on friday i had a job interview in Kelana Jaya just next to Kelana Jaya police station. it is a company that produces SIM cards. at first i was surprised to see all other applicants are female and all malay and all with headscarves. it is seriously like a out of the body experience becoz there i was the only chinese looking applicant wearing shirt and a top where the rest was wearing headscarves and baju kurung.. weird weird.. then i was relieved to see that the interviewer, Mr Akil was not Malay (nothing against malay people but i just think majority of malay people are hypocrites) first we were given the application form and behind it was some quizzes that we need to answer.

sort of like quizzes to test your IQ and also some math questions.. bummer math? did u say math?? i suck in maths!!! anyway despite failing the only Maths module in my 2nd year in college, i managed to get the answers close to the accurate ones.. hahahaha not bad not bad… well they seem interested to hire me but then they pose a question of committment : whether i am willing to stay with the company for two years contract meaning i cant look for other jobs in two years time and also i need to start teh job immediately.. well i told them that i may have a bit of problem with the 2 years’ commitment so i guess i didnt get the job.. despite having gotten the closest answers to the quiz!! bummer.. but nevermind becoz i do not want to tied down to a company for 2 years with no option to look for a better pay/prospect offers…

anyway i think that is about it in my first week of 2006 and first week of being single.. till then..