::mindless blabber::

having been in a relationship for so long and then being single again and then be in a sort of a funny complicated relationship with another really got me pondering and thinking. what value do people put in relationships nowadays? things are so grey that there isnt any way to distinguish what is right or wrong…

i think now it is more of what is convenience for both parties. it is no longer whether it is love at first sight or whateva… its more like lust at first sight.. i truly believe that the word love is just coaxed up by some preverted mind who wants to get into the girl’s pants. what is love really? does it mean that if u care for that person and understand him/her means that you love that person?

despite me saying that i did love my ex but now that word “LOVE” doesnt hold any value to me anymore. that love really mean that you can sacrifice yourself for another person and that would mean love? or changing yourself for the sake of your loved one? or even putting the other person’s needs first than yours means u love someone? compromise with each other and that is love? why does love need us to be selfless and thinking abt others?

before being in a love relationship u are a different kindof person than when u are in a relationship. some may even lose sight of who they really are and only identify themselves with the person that they are with. does one person lose their identity when they are in a relationship?

i have a knack of listening to love songs, break up songs and heart broken songs. the lyrics are sometimes very misleading.. it also depends when u listen to it. when u are so infatuated with one person and when u hear a love song, u think that “oh yes, i think i am actually in love with this person”. when u are about to break up with that someone and u hear the same song, u think “where are all the promises that he/she promised me?”. when u have broken up and in a middle of a heartbreaking time drowning urself in tears and u listen to that same damn song again and now u would think that ” WTF! this song is really crap!!! and full of bullshit!” and u end up throwing the radio away…

one song and it could mean different things at different times in one person’s state of mind. now i dun listen to love songs coz i think its stupid.. i just listen to songs that are heart wrenching and sorrowful songs so that it reminds me that love hurts and never to love someone so much anymore. i think that is why i feel so indiffer towards the word “LOVE”. the mere spoken words “I LOVE U” bears no meaning to me and they are just simply words. words that meant nothing to me. i could only as far utter the words that i like a guy but not the L-o-v-e word. reminds me of the song from Ashlee Simpson “L.O.V.E” (not that i am a big fan of hers but i just like the song)

so what is the point of me writing this post? probably i just want to remind myself that with this new complicated and crazy relationship, i need to take a step back and not start to put some fairy tales that my subconcious mind has made up about what will happen. it is also to remind myself that i had enjoyed a great previous relationship with my ex and now it is time to move on and be with someone and not caring how things would eventually turned out. it is also a reminder to my dear old heart who tends to put emotions too forwardly and openly for itself to be broken. it is also to remind myself that eventually i would be alone and i have to face the world all by myself without having anyone by my side. that is the inevitable truth and nothing that i do now is gonna change that fact. nothing absolutely nothing at all would change it. i just had to accept it.

that sound like me admitting defeat that i cant change something in my life. no point trying to defeat something that i am born with. its like u dun like ur nose and u dun have the money to fix it so u need to accept it. i just need to accept it but not embrace it.

the two week of induction at work was quickly set aside and here comes the serious week. unfortunately urs truly had to skip work on monday becoz i torn my ligament on my hand and suffered multiple bruises on my arms and legs. not that i got into a fight or anything like that..
i had my taekwondo competition on sunday and i got beaten like a rag doll.

first of all i was in the wrong category, my Sir put me in the above 70kg category. mind you that i have since my breakup last year i have been shrinking and losing weight.. i am now in mid of 66 -65kg. yeah… still have 10-15 kg more to lose. anyway i have no idea who i was goin to be competiting with and when i saw the girl (from UIA, International Islamic University of Malaysia) i was wondering whether i had just sign my own death certificate. she was damn huge and big. i wonder what they feed her in the uni’s cafe… steriods??? anyhow, the fight was ok considering that i tried to attack her but she managed to block my attack becoz before i could even land a kick to her body, she kicked me…

damn after the first round she was exhausted but i wasnt becoz i have been working on my stamina lately. but then i just could not even kick her to get more points. damn it.. anyway she won and i got a bronze… damn it… well have to let this go and train for the next one in june. this competition was great with lots of action, injuries and blood. two guys got kicked on the head and broke their nose.. bleeding everywhere.. cool never seen so much blood… hahahah

i have not been goin to the gym for a week and i am feeling a little quesy.. must go gym again next week!!! i must lose another 5-6 kg by mid of the year and then lose another 5-6 more by the end of the year… support me people!

well goin back to my work, well this week we were introduced to the products that we would be dealing with and customer service. we were trained by this australian trainer and her name is samantha. she is nice but quite strict and a bit rigid. but by the end of the week, we find her quite tolerable and well for me, i think she is way better than some of the lecturers in my college. on friday, we had the opportunity to sit with a real GSE (global suppport executives) and heard some live call from australia and observe how they deal with the customers. was kindof cool and also interesting.. heard many funny and some horror stories but all in all it was alright.

i got an phone interview from dell on thursday, i was kind of nervous but it went fine. i really hope that i get this job becoz not only it pay better, it is alsolutely something that i am interested in doing and it is far away from home. just an excuse to move out of the house! hahahah

well that is about it.. hey but wait a minute how abt the guy that i mention in my last post? well safe to say we are still goin out, talked a lot of crap on the phone and me trying to pscyho-analyze him and also the other way around. i came to a conclusion that i should not think too much about this “complicated” relationship and just go with what is natural. i do not want to make the same mistakes like what happened in my previous relationship when i got too emotional and just too attached. not goin to that with this guy.. i am goin treat him how i treat my previous bf, caring and being there for the fella but i not goin to be too emotional about my feelings. coz i just dont know what to feel anymore. i like the fella but i dont know how i like him.. u know what i mean?

well anyway i do not wanna put high hopes in any kind of relationship becoz i think i should just enjoy it without stressing about what may or will happen. as the fella say “enjoy the journey eventhough the destination may differ as time passes by”.. i am quoting the fella becoz he is just so good in telling me things and it makes great sense and i actually agree with what he says. hmmm and things he says are just really sensible and damn right funny…

so that is about it for this week.. will write more next week..till then..

it has been weeks since my last post but that is all due to changes that has happened in my life.

first of all, it was chinese new year… yeah one of the happiest time for me every year but some how this year it is a bit gloomy and less loud. then i had a lot of interviews to go for : Shell, HSBC and HP. I went for all and finally i got an offer from HSBC. and there and then i told my frens from the law firm and apologise that i couldnt stay until March like i promised. this cny i also went to the chinese temple with my cousin ever since few years back. we went to the chinese temple at the back of the Hong Leong Building near Petaling Street. We went there to pray and ask for blessings and of course to check to see what is our predictions for the year.

For those who do not know, to get a predictions, there is a bamboo container containing sticks with numbers on it. First u have to throw two wooden cresent. If the the cresents is one facing down and one facing up then you may only start to shake the bamboo container. You are required to shake the bamboo container until one of the numbered stick fall out. After which you use the cresents to check whether this stick is acceptable.

My cousin only shake the container twice and got a numbered stick. Whereas for me i had to shake it like 5 times before i got a stick. my cousin asked me what i wished for becoz it seems that the gods in heaven is refusing to grant my wishes. i told her later after the thing that i wished for a boyfriend who loves me more than i love him. it seems that i would not be getting that wish this year. both of our sticks indicated that we should concentrate more on our careers as our career would flourish and we would have no luck in love relationships. bummer…

so right after chinese new year holidays which was a week for me, i started my week at HSBC on the 6th Feb. it was induction for two weeks for the newbies. so far so good… i met some really interesting people in my induction class. there are a total of 15 of us… only a few really stand out… i found my other long lost sister, Sarah in this class. She has just graduated from the UK with a law degree but doesnt want to do CLP. She doesnt like to practice. One indian guy called Samuel is so funny, sarcastic and such a charmer… and he likes hot chicks and never seize to check out every girl that walks by. at the moment, we are now in our second week of induction and we have to prepare some assignments for presentation. reminds me of college work.

speaking for college, finally mr sanath came back from india and my EC (Extenuation Circumstances) application is approved. so i had to finish up my final project (testing and implementation part by end of this week) and hand it up so that my presentation date could be scheduled… and i have a taekwondo competition on the 19th (Sun) at UIA. just after 3 days of training and then sparring… OMG not even prepared.. i need to prepare to have my ass kicked..

basically i almost summarize everything that is goin on in my life so far…

well there is one thing about me seeing someone… should i leave that for the next post?
hahahaha… yes i met someone during the CNY holidays. went for a blind date, watched a really really boring movie called Syriana (DONT WATCH IT IF u r not into dramas). well something happened but am not gonna reveal it here… hahahah well his name is SA (not gonna reveal his name here… ) he is ok looking… funny, smokes like a chimeny, sarcastic like hell, likes to pscyho-analysis people, oh did i mention he is really tall as well.. well i never went out with anyone that tall..

after the blind date, i didnt call him back becoz i was thinking that if the guy was really interested to see me again, he would call. i dont want ppl to see me like i am such an eager beaver and desperate so i just played it cool. right on, and he called me back after a week.. at first i was kindof surprised becoz after what happened, i just left it behind the back of my head. he persistently called me almost everyday during lunch.. i got smitten and wanted to know what is goin on.. so i have been trying to psycho-analyze him this week but so far i have gotten mixed reactions… actually in turn, i think he is trying to psycho analyze me back.. games games games… why do we humans like to play games??? maybe become it makes life more interesting.. i need to psycho- analyze him more to know what he is really thinking…

anyway till then, i will update more next week..