::mindless blabber::

sometimes things that are unexpected in our life then to come our way without us having a clue that it is coming… i never expect to get another job offer which is better that offers me an opportunity to venture out on my own. i always think that i would at least have some clue of what is coming in my life.

i like having control of what happens in my life but lately it seem that things seem to turned out the way i have never expected it to be. for example, i have recently posted that i am currently just seeing someone casually and exclusively. why i say exclusively is becoz i am not seeing anyone else besides him.. i like him the moment i meant him. he was really a different kind of person compared with my ex who is the total oppposite. it was a nice change but i didnt want to make the same mistakes and i venture into this relationship cautiously. i put up so many barriers on my heart so that i would just like this guy and nothing else. it is hard sometimes to guard the heart but i guess i needed it so that i would not get hurt ever again.

i had a chat with my ex yesterday and i told him about my complications in this relationship. he was thinking that i was goin to be with this guy for long term but i did not think that. he asked why? since i did tell him what a great person this other guy was. i told him i do not want to think about the future with any guy. i said to him that i see myself being alone for the rest of my life and i want to live my life being happy and i do not want to get my heart broken. i do not want to lead my entire life mending broken heart and losing faith in myself.

ppl would often asked me why not give it a chance and maybe it would turn out differently? then i ask them whether they would take the risk of having their heart broken all the time? why get into situations that would lead to that? nevertheless, we as humans need companionship but minus the heart breaks and pain when a relationship doesnt turn out the way each party wants it to be.

so what is unexpected in this situation? i never expect that i would be the one being so unemotional and indifferent. i used to put my heart into relationships but then now i seem guarded and just very cold and unfeeling. but i still do things that shows that i care but i never say things that are in my heart. i just simply keep everything inside and not confide too much. liking someone at first sight easy. but the more u see that person on normal basis, u will start to get too involved with the emotional side of the relationship. when u get emotional is when it starts to get really dangerous. when u get emotional, u start to lie to urself and think that the guy u like is the one for u in the long run. ut actually it is just ur brain trying to understand ur mixed feelings and make the person seem more attractive and fit ur ideal criterias of what u want in a guy.i do not want that to happen and try not to go beyond what is at hand at the moment. but seems like the unexpected would eventually happen. i would probably eventually do fall for someone who i know i would not end up with in the long run… get myself heartbroken and hurt again an dthe cycle just turns again.

well for ppl who are not aware yet, i have just gotten the result of my degree and i am glad to say i did quite well. i did expect the results but just cant believe that i really did managed to get it. thinking of getting it is different than doing it and getting the results. the unexpected happens here…

another news is that i am moving to penang soon in the mid of april. i have gotten a really good job offer and it is a good MNC. at first i never thought i would be getting this job offer since i went for the walk in interview and phone interview like abt a month ago. thinking back, i thought that i would be getting the job with shell. but i did not and instead i got this job offer. well the unexpected happens here again…

sometimes i think if there really was a god, he is simply playing with our lives. putting us on the monopoly board and see how we can survive. we can lose everything at one go or even get everything that we want…it seems like we are just merely a dice away from our final destination many steps before we can reach the prime of our life. so do i think i am at my prime? no i dun think so but if i make the right choices at this time i think i might be heading towards my goals.

i am not concerned with what is goin to happen in the future but am just concerned with reaching my goals that i have set on myself. nothing else is able to change what i have decided to do. i should start to think abt myself for now. some may think that is a selfish way of thinking but then for a person like me that would eventually be alone all by herself in the long run, i do not see why i am being called selfish. i am just merely trying to protect my own well being.

PM a net fren who happen to really liked me and he wanted to be my bf but then i turned him down. ever since i told him that i am seeing someone else, he was really pissed at me. he told me that he is goin to US for good for his job and forget abt what happened btw us. i apologise and explain to him abt what i really feel. but he just refused to listen to my explanation. this is what i would write to him and i hope he reads my blog…

dear J/T,

i hope u understand J/T… pls forgive me and set aside ur anger and take that it is the best decision for the both of us. i do not want to lose a dear fren that had been around for me when i was really down. i wish u all the best in ur job in USA and eventually u will find someone that is way better than me. take care…

i think that is all for now..body and mind is tired of thinking of matter of the heart…

i had finally decided to blog more often and thus getting my own domain.. there was an offer from yahoo which i just couldnt resist. plus it comes with web hosting with a really good prices.

i just couldnt resist and finally gotten my own.. well when i am done finishing up the blog i would post there and this blog would be closed then…

till then wait for the arrival of my new blog…

i recently met up with a fellow net friend… had coffee and chatted and he concluded that i like to get into complicated situations. not agreeing with him and i started to defend myself coz i dun think i like getting into complicated situations… it is just that complicated situations seems to follow me all the time.

for instance, me having to quit college and work becoz of the economy crisis and my dad being retrenched. another example is that me being in relationship that i knew had no future at the first place… ok that is just asking for it isnt it?? i mean what guarantees in life do we get??? me getting involved with someone who i know would not end up anywhere… even if u get married, there isnt any money back guarantee where u can return ur wife or husband if u are not satisfied.

knowingly that at the moment i am sort of getting involved with someone who i know wouldnt lead me anywhere… so why do i still jump in head on into it? am i just asking for it?? even if i were to get involved with someone that would be willing to convert and married with me, i would not be with that person as well.. ok amy, u are just making it more complicated. why on earth would i turn down a guy who is willing to do that for? for me, that would be crazy just to ask someone to convert and be married when i myself dun even believe in the religion at the first place. remember the no money back guarantee???

if u get converted and married and later let’s say 5 years down the line, u find that u are not happy and want to get a divorce. ok u get divorced and now u wanna convert back to your original religion which is impossible to be done here. so u are stuck… see where i am goin??

so why be so complicated some would say? why not just embrace what you are and not fight it?? i am not fighting it but i am not embracing it either. i cant find someone that i like with the same religion coz then it would be unfair for me that i have to force myself to believe something which i dun at the first place just to be with someone. when i do find someone that i like but then it would be unfair for that person to convert to be with me. so how can i solve this complication?

i would just end up all alone in the end becoz of this. its an ongoing cycle that never stops.. i like someone and then they find out abt this complication and then we break up and me being heartbroken and then find someone else.. and the cycle just keeps goin on and on until the day i die. what is the fun with that? rather than to think that i would eventually have any kind of long lasting relationship with someone, why not that i just be with someone who i like and not think of anything else. not having to think that i have a future with him or even getting married or anything that spells “long term”.

why do i want to get myself into a complication when my life is complicated enough?? hahahah maybe my friend was right after all. i do like to get into complicated situations. some things just cant be helped. if u like someone u cant stop urself from liking a person. eventually that liking is goin to turn into deeper feelings and what am i to do to stop that from happening? i am just human… i have needs and feelings. so how can i suppress my feelings? but eventually i know there isnt any future with anyone so what am i to do with these feelings and needs? dump in the dumpster? so it is not that i want to get into a complicated situation but that is just the way i am.

just have to accept it. like how i accept that i cant change myself and i cant change anyone. men can never change and i am not about to do the impossible in trying to do so. more ponderings in private to be done.. till then am signing off..