me complicated…
i recently met up with a fellow net friend… had coffee and chatted and he concluded that i like to get into complicated situations. not agreeing with him and i started to defend myself coz i dun think i like getting into complicated situations… it is just that complicated situations seems to follow me all the time.
for instance, me having to quit college and work becoz of the economy crisis and my dad being retrenched. another example is that me being in relationship that i knew had no future at the first place… ok that is just asking for it isnt it?? i mean what guarantees in life do we get??? me getting involved with someone who i know would not end up anywhere… even if u get married, there isnt any money back guarantee where u can return ur wife or husband if u are not satisfied.
knowingly that at the moment i am sort of getting involved with someone who i know wouldnt lead me anywhere… so why do i still jump in head on into it? am i just asking for it?? even if i were to get involved with someone that would be willing to convert and married with me, i would not be with that person as well.. ok amy, u are just making it more complicated. why on earth would i turn down a guy who is willing to do that for? for me, that would be crazy just to ask someone to convert and be married when i myself dun even believe in the religion at the first place. remember the no money back guarantee???
if u get converted and married and later let’s say 5 years down the line, u find that u are not happy and want to get a divorce. ok u get divorced and now u wanna convert back to your original religion which is impossible to be done here. so u are stuck… see where i am goin??
so why be so complicated some would say? why not just embrace what you are and not fight it?? i am not fighting it but i am not embracing it either. i cant find someone that i like with the same religion coz then it would be unfair for me that i have to force myself to believe something which i dun at the first place just to be with someone. when i do find someone that i like but then it would be unfair for that person to convert to be with me. so how can i solve this complication?
i would just end up all alone in the end becoz of this. its an ongoing cycle that never stops.. i like someone and then they find out abt this complication and then we break up and me being heartbroken and then find someone else.. and the cycle just keeps goin on and on until the day i die. what is the fun with that? rather than to think that i would eventually have any kind of long lasting relationship with someone, why not that i just be with someone who i like and not think of anything else. not having to think that i have a future with him or even getting married or anything that spells “long term”.
why do i want to get myself into a complication when my life is complicated enough?? hahahah maybe my friend was right after all. i do like to get into complicated situations. some things just cant be helped. if u like someone u cant stop urself from liking a person. eventually that liking is goin to turn into deeper feelings and what am i to do to stop that from happening? i am just human… i have needs and feelings. so how can i suppress my feelings? but eventually i know there isnt any future with anyone so what am i to do with these feelings and needs? dump in the dumpster? so it is not that i want to get into a complicated situation but that is just the way i am.
just have to accept it. like how i accept that i cant change myself and i cant change anyone. men can never change and i am not about to do the impossible in trying to do so. more ponderings in private to be done.. till then am signing off..
