::mindless blabber::

coming to penang and work was one of the most complusive decision that i have ever made in my life. it was almost similar to the decision to go back to study for my degree when i have actually be working in a good place for 3 years. having to leave my comfort zone and just adapt to being in a new environment. sometimes i wonder how and why i would do such things in my life. just taking risks and chances both in career and my relationships.

i had no one i know in penang. just all by myself and my suitcases and boxes (my mom thought i was goin to move my entire room to penang.. hahahah) i am goin to be living on my own and there is no boundaries. when i was back in KL, i had to come home latest by 2 am and when i am here all by myself and not subject to any curfew, i do not go out at all. funny?

sometimes i wonder what if i have not made the decisions that i have made in the past? yes yes yes here goes amy with her obessive compulsive behaviour again.. what if i have actually taken the time to think straight and made the decision based my on brain and not on my heart? for example, if i would to think straight 3 years ago of not goin back to get my degree, i would have still be working with the same company with a lowly pay and would really beat myself out when i look at my frens with degrees and high paying jobs. what if i did not get involved with my ex of 4 years even when i knew that there could not be a future in that relationship? i would have not grown stronger and actually be more mature in terms of relationship wise and might not have enjoy some good old memories with my ex.

what if i for once ever listened to my mom and dad? probably would end up with nothing just becoz i would not have dared to try things in my life. i would end up being so naive and just sheltered and dependent on my parents. probably i would have a better relationship with thm as well. but then giving up my independence and my loud voice? hmmm…

my mom has always scolded for just doin what i want to do and never cared abt how it would affect others. i am sort of wondering why would i want to care about other people when some of the decisions i made is actually concern with my own well being? what does it got to do with other people? i mean cant i be selfish and think for myself? what kind of charity would benefit if i were to think abt others and how abt charity for myself?

i saw oprah’s show and she talks abt loving one’s self before actually loving another person. becoz if u do not even know how to love yourself then how could u simply love someone else? i agree on that becoz if u do not even consider urself self worthy to be taken care of then how would be able to care for someone else?

at the moment, i am in a self love and hate relationship with myself. sometimes i love myself too much and sometimes i hate myself as well. such complications and contradictions are so puzzling and difficult to solve. now the question is that how can i bring myself to care for other like how i care for myself? it is gonna be similar as well as i am goin to have a love and hate relationship with other as well with myself? more private ponderings within myself…

sometimes things in life can get out of hand even how much u try to control everything. i am a very well known controk freak. just ask anyone who knows me. my ex, my friends, those who have worked with me in assignments and projects. just ask them and they would tell u that i am a crazy control freak.

yes i am a real crazy control freak. i constantly want to have control over everything. like how a sentence should be written in a project. how some things should be done MY way and no other way at all. how house chores should be done and what are the cleanliness standards it should be. my siblings told me i am such a “Hitler” when it comes to house chores : crazy, full control and regimental… hahahahahah

well i know i like to have control over things but never knew that i am such an extreme person before i came to penang. when i first got to clean my room that i am stayin at the moment (white tiles so any kind of dirt can be seen) i was cleaning every tile with detergent and wiping it with a clean cloth. then i started to clean the entire house… my house mates came back last weekend and she noticed the house was extremely clean.. told her i saw a cockroach in the house. told her that i exterminate it and cleaned the entire house except the bathroom…

she looked at me wided eyes… hahahaha… my work collegue, khoo also noticed how i arranged my food when i eat at fast food joints.. and i meticously i clean the table after eating. well i had frens who worked in fast food place b4 so i know how it feels to cleans ppl’s mess. well at least i am civilised enough to clean the table.. westerners actually help to carry the tray and dump the rubbish in fast food joints but we asians dont…

and then khoo pointed out that i have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). what the hell is that anyway? being an organized, neat freak and u give me a diagnotics on my mental health? according to the OCF (Obsessive Complusive Foundation) what OCD is :

“Worries, doubts, superstitious beliefs all are common in everyday life. However, when they become so excessive such as hours of hand washing or make no sense at all such as driving around and around the block to check that an accident didn’t occur then a diagnosis of OCD is made. “

source from and read more about OCD from here

yes i worry a lot.. i worry a lot how people are doing and all that. i worry abt my parents and siblings and even though i dun show it but deep down inside i do. i worry how am i goin to help them get thru life. i worry about what is gonna happen in 5 years time. i worry what is gonna happen next day in fact. i worry a lot but i never ever show it. i keep everything inside and slowly it is eating me up. this is the very first time i ever written about this in my blog. everyone thinks that amy is such a happy person. such a nice person and all but then i am not actually that image that i am tryin to portray…

people say that the human life is difficult. we are faced with much difficulties to test our strength, perseverance and our weaknesses. in the past i have care too much abt people that i am close to and in the end i get bitten. my weakness is that i care too much and i forgive too easily some times. my strength is that i am able to adapt to people and that i am not afraid to get criticism and i can put up barriers to block away my feelings. people often say that i am such a strong, persevered kind of person and sometimes cold hearted as well. but i have a confession to make : i am not strong and i am not cold hearted. i want people to think that becoz that is my weakness. i am fragile becoz i care too much but i make a point to make it as though i really dun care for people’s feelings but in fact i do.

becoz of this self damaging behaviour, i developed another kind of behaviour of wanting to control everything and that i am such a neat freak. when i am doing housework and am in that obsessive mode, i tend to think out aloud and talk to myself.

human have all kinds of fear. i have my fears but i always tend to face them eventhough i know it is gonna make me break down. i dun want to run away from my fears. i want to face it straight on even if i know i wont survive the ordeal in the end but at least i know that i have tried.

the fear that i have at the moment is very contradicting. i have the fear of caring too much. so i tried to not bother and care. but then i fear that i would lose that caring part of me. i do not want people to see me as being uncaring but yet at the same time i want people to fear me. i fear them getting too close and knowing the real fragile amy. and yet i want them to be close to me so that i can release the pain and anger inside of me. such contradicting thoughts…

sometimes i do wonder why do i bother so much? maybe when i am six feet underground then i wont bother too much and people do not bother me too much as well.

yes yes i know i know i was supposed to update my blog but then i got side tracked wih my busy schedule at work with training and all.. it put me into a writer’s block and sort of a mental block at the moment. anyway promise is a promise and after numerous reminder from various people (you guys know who u are)

anyhow this would be the reader’s digest version of my 3 weeks in penang so far and its gonna be the longest post ever!!!!

1st week…

the first week was fairly interesting. got to know some interesting ppl ie new hires like myself. the first impression when i got into the premises of dell is that how much it resembles the cubicles in the comic dilbert. i was of course thinking silently in my brain that there would be characters like in the comic dilbert in my work place as well.. hmmm wonder who would be dog-bert and who would be the stupid boss…hahahah… anyway just a bit of sleaze and details on the new hires like myself on the 1st week.

i sat next to this indian girl on the front row and her name is prema and she is also from PUCHONG!! at last someone from my own turf… hahahah anyway she was from sitiawan (small town in perak i think, if not then that explains why i nearly failed my geography in school, hahahah) but then i dun remember who sat next to prema.. OMG my memory is failing me… arghhh…. (being melodramatic here) anyway the others are jennifer (actually from sarawak but worked in KL, nice gal, also known as the FFK queen), yean ming (shy and soft spoken girl from penang who worked in KL as well, i can hardly hear her when she speaks), say soon (funny name, his face blushes everytime when u talk to him and he looks like a thermometer, hahaha, kinda cute but a bit soft), chua (shy and soft spoken fella previously worked in NEC b4), soma (nice indian girl from penang, quick and witty), krishu (sitiawan boy who is blur all the time and runs like a sissy, hahahaah, and being bullied by me, MUAHAHAHA), justin #1 (formerly working in Intel, cute young boy [too young for me.. sob sob…] with small squiny eyes), justin #2 (worked with egenting, big fella and he reminds me of chewbacca at first but now nicknamed as Jason [friday the 13th character killer] by krishu and now the name sticks with him, smoke faggot ciggies, hahahah), faizol (alor setar boy, young as well, soft spoken and always very quiet), firdous (melaka fella very tall, his head blocked the projecter shots all the time, deep voice…), suet yan (chinese gal formerly from intel, young and lots of questions…), nioh (also same gang with justin #1 and suet yan from intel as well, soft spoken and quiet and always together with suet yan… hmmm anything btw them ah?? oh i so kepoh) hmmm did i miss anyone else… hehehe of course i didnt forget one person…. hahahah another interesting fella is khoo (penang guy who cant swim, smokes hand rolled ciggies, very nice to me, boisterous and a bit wacko)

so that is about all the ppl who is newly hired on that week with me. first week was kindof great coz we got to know abt dell’s product and get to actually tear apart some dell PCs and notebooks… i never actually tear down a notebook be4 so it was really exciting… khoo mentioned that i looked like a wide eyed kid in a candy store when i was tearing down the unit… hahahah right khoo????

well despite all this excitement, i was not getting used to something in penang yet.. everytime after i eat, i had stomach ache… most probably something to do with the water and food here and my tummy is aching for food and water from KL and decided to pull a rebel with a cause with my system. no appetite and diarrhea.. how abt that for my first week…

found out some interesting facts about penang and the people here.. first when a chinese penangian see another chinese they automatically speaks to u in hokkien… got that a few times when i ask for directions or buy some stuff. i gave them that confused look and try telling them in cantonese that i dun understand hokkien and they dun understand cantonese… hahahah case of a duck talking to a chicken.. most penang ppl i met so far cant swim.. what a sad fact and the fact that they have beaches all around and they dun swim… what if a tsunami happens to engulfed the entire island?? everyone sure to be drowned… vowed to teach every single penang ppl how to swim… at least enough for them to save their own ass.. next is that penang drivers are the most craziest ppl on the road. they absolutely do not have any manners and i wonder how they ever got their license. and i thought that KL drivers are bad but penang drivers are ever worse. they do not put signal lights. they simply cut queues and jump lanes without any indication. they honked ppl like crazy and they have no regard for other drivers… OMG!!!

so that was a summary of my 1st week.

2nd week…

the 2nd week was kindof stressed a bit since we would be having an assessment on wed after being training by william (and yes his full name is william hong and not in any way related to william hung, hahahah i had to take a 2nd look at his badge just to make sure) it was nerve wrecking especially when we had to wait for 1 hour for him to annouce whtr we got thru the test or not… well it was good to say that everyone passed and made it to the next stage.

after which some of us decided to celebrate and what better way than to go clubbing on a wed nite… we (justin, me and khoo, well the rest decided to FFK us) went to this place called flix at a place called e-gate (just next to the new TESCO). at first glance at 9.30pm the place was dead not a single soul at sight… ZZZZZ…. the nice manager or someone called michael convinced us that the chicks would be arriving soon as the night is still early… so ok we decided to stay and see how things go. music was go ranging from latest pop to nice r n b stuff… 3 of us were like drinking and smoking like there isnt tomorrow… by 11.30pm the chicks were arriving… heheh pardon me but i am not a lesbian.. hahahah well sad to say no cute or good looking guys for me to wash my eyes with and thus urs truly had to look at hot chicks instead.. the club even had dancing girls on the podium.. really cute and hot chicks… for once i really wished i was a guy…

anyway with the right amount of booze, girls and great music, we were having a ball of a time.. well until about 2am, when we decided to just leave, the police decided to pay us a visit… OMG!!!! this is my very FIRST TIME BEING IN A POLICE RAID.. i have been clubbing for so freaky long and never once got into a police raid and now being in penang to work 4 the first time, went clubbing after so long and drank booze after so long and now the police decided to spoil the party… bummer.. lucky me huh???

anyway the policewoman gave me a container to pee in and to check for drug… never knew that drug checks are so easy and high tech nowadays.. the container has markers in to indicate whtr u have been taking drugs or not. luckily no girls were caught with drugs and only two guys were caught (most probably weed or something) so was back home by 3am and slept… and bummer had a class at 9am… 3 of us (khoo, me and justin) had red eyes and had this unsettling mannerism. me and justin was half dead for the whole day and khoo surprisingly was so bloody hyper… told u that he was a total wacko…hahahah

and that was not the end, since it would be a long weekend so we decided to pay flix another visit on friday before some of us decides to go back to our respective hometown. khoo brought his gf along, say soon, justin, me, krishu and his frens (which i forgot their names, sorry…) this time it was really great since we have a bigger group. from khoo and justin’s attempt to teach say soon how to dance (boy that guy really cant dance and no rythm) and me snogging justin (with booze everyone looks snoggable), it was really great.. until at exactly at 2am again!!!! this fella (some gangster from somewhere) asked the club to shut their operation and to chase everyone out of the club.. stupid ass… anyway it was really party popper and it happened again… lucky us again… should go and buy a lottery and we could have struck! anyhow we all decided to yam char while justin drowned himself with food becoz of the big disappointment… so that was our nite..

the very next day at 8.30am i took the bus to KL… and after 6 gruelling hours of sitting at the back of the bus (should have checked the seat number next time) i finally arrived in KL and u know what my lovely KL was crying for my return… hahahah no lar raining in KL… went to low yatt to buy some stuffs (mp3 player, webcam and a network cable) checked out prices of some stuff which i am eyeing to buy with my next pay check (external hard disk :120GB, sony errison W800i phone) anyone willing to sponsor me are also welcome.. heheheh

decided to take a cab home coz it was raining and bummer no taxis.. had to settle to take a bus instead. reach home at about 6pm.. took a nice long hot shower (no hot water in penang) watch some astro (no astro in penang as well… sob … sob no chinese series at nite) called my dearest SA for dinner only to be informed my dad that the car is out of batteries.. damn it… wanting to me SA so i drove the car after persuading some guys near my house to push the car for it to start.. went for dinner and then SA had to push the car all by himself.. poor dear its ok dear at least the mp3 player made up for it right???

the very next day, followed my parents to the morning market in PJ and gave some money to my dad and mom since i have gotten my paycheck.. parents decided to give me long lecture on not being frugal with my money and not to spend too much on my plastic (well plastic cant work coz the stupid card is spoilt and cant be swiped) then at 1pm i went to godmother’s salon to had my hair rebonded… had a really nice long chat with coz i have not seen her for ages.. my hair turned out so nice but i cant wash my hair for at least 3 days… ARGHHH wat ??? for a person who washes her hair every day that is like a dead sentence for me. i would really die…(ok ok being too overdramatic here…)

ok so my hair was nice and i had to pick SA for dinner at my house coz my mom was cooking. he was being so polite when he was eating and since he and my dad didnt like Manchester United, they both were condemning the club since they lose the game that day… sad to say i was too a ex- Man utd fan.. anyway after dinner, SA and me decided to have some “dessert” before i sent him home…heheheh so that was the end of my sunday in kl

the next day took the bus at 10.30 and reach penang at 2.30pm… despite being so tired.. i just had to do some things… i cleaned my room, did my laundry and finally sat down and my mind start to wonder… hmmm it was a good week indeed… nodding to myself and i was asleep….

3rd week…

welll 3rd week did not start very well, i had flu and cough (dun know from who i got it from…) was blowing my nose so much that until now i have yet to recover the full use of my smelling senses… sob sob.. lose my appetite as well… anyway nothing interesting happened coz i was half asleep (high on medication) in class for the past week. luckily soon it is the weekend.. was looking forward to the weekend to recover and do some me time… apparently the house doctor in dell’s premise is only available on mon and weds at specific time… WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR IS THAT jennifer said… hahahah i can hear myself laughing out loud in my brain if i wasnt that sick… anyway by end of the week, glad to find that i have spread my happiness to the rest of the class… hahahah faizol got it on friday and today i heard that krishnu got it too… hmmm the more the merrier…

anyway since work was done by 3pm on friday went back real early to eat medicine and sleep the day off. on saturday, i was sleeping, cleaning, watched some dvds and eating medication… today went for a game of badminton with khoo, jennifer, faizol, firdaus and couple of khoo’s frens (forgot their names though but i do remember one of them is kindof cute hahahaha…) anyway now sitting here trying to finish writing this bloody long post…ah… wat a relief… oh bummer tomorrow got trainig class… another boring day i guess but i would never know…

till then… adios

not exactly the kind of thing that i like to do but i just cant help being in a writer’s block at the moment…

mind is to preoccupied with so many things that i do not know what to write. shall resolve to clean up my hard disk (brain) this weekend and start formatting everything. will complete system clean up by the end of the weekend… see told u i wasnt thinking straight…