why do i bother so much…
sometimes things in life can get out of hand even how much u try to control everything. i am a very well known controk freak. just ask anyone who knows me. my ex, my friends, those who have worked with me in assignments and projects. just ask them and they would tell u that i am a crazy control freak.
yes i am a real crazy control freak. i constantly want to have control over everything. like how a sentence should be written in a project. how some things should be done MY way and no other way at all. how house chores should be done and what are the cleanliness standards it should be. my siblings told me i am such a “Hitler” when it comes to house chores : crazy, full control and regimental… hahahahahah
well i know i like to have control over things but never knew that i am such an extreme person before i came to penang. when i first got to clean my room that i am stayin at the moment (white tiles so any kind of dirt can be seen) i was cleaning every tile with detergent and wiping it with a clean cloth. then i started to clean the entire house… my house mates came back last weekend and she noticed the house was extremely clean.. told her i saw a cockroach in the house. told her that i exterminate it and cleaned the entire house except the bathroom…
she looked at me wided eyes… hahahaha… my work collegue, khoo also noticed how i arranged my food when i eat at fast food joints.. and i meticously i clean the table after eating. well i had frens who worked in fast food place b4 so i know how it feels to cleans ppl’s mess. well at least i am civilised enough to clean the table.. westerners actually help to carry the tray and dump the rubbish in fast food joints but we asians dont…
and then khoo pointed out that i have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). what the hell is that anyway? being an organized, neat freak and u give me a diagnotics on my mental health? according to the OCF (Obsessive Complusive Foundation) what OCD is :
- “Worries, doubts, superstitious beliefs all are common in everyday life. However, when they become so excessive such as hours of hand washing or make no sense at all such as driving around and around the block to check that an accident didn’t occur then a diagnosis of OCD is made. “
source from and read more about OCD from here
yes i worry a lot.. i worry a lot how people are doing and all that. i worry abt my parents and siblings and even though i dun show it but deep down inside i do. i worry how am i goin to help them get thru life. i worry about what is gonna happen in 5 years time. i worry what is gonna happen next day in fact. i worry a lot but i never ever show it. i keep everything inside and slowly it is eating me up. this is the very first time i ever written about this in my blog. everyone thinks that amy is such a happy person. such a nice person and all but then i am not actually that image that i am tryin to portray…
people say that the human life is difficult. we are faced with much difficulties to test our strength, perseverance and our weaknesses. in the past i have care too much abt people that i am close to and in the end i get bitten. my weakness is that i care too much and i forgive too easily some times. my strength is that i am able to adapt to people and that i am not afraid to get criticism and i can put up barriers to block away my feelings. people often say that i am such a strong, persevered kind of person and sometimes cold hearted as well. but i have a confession to make : i am not strong and i am not cold hearted. i want people to think that becoz that is my weakness. i am fragile becoz i care too much but i make a point to make it as though i really dun care for people’s feelings but in fact i do.
becoz of this self damaging behaviour, i developed another kind of behaviour of wanting to control everything and that i am such a neat freak. when i am doing housework and am in that obsessive mode, i tend to think out aloud and talk to myself.
human have all kinds of fear. i have my fears but i always tend to face them eventhough i know it is gonna make me break down. i dun want to run away from my fears. i want to face it straight on even if i know i wont survive the ordeal in the end but at least i know that i have tried.
the fear that i have at the moment is very contradicting. i have the fear of caring too much. so i tried to not bother and care. but then i fear that i would lose that caring part of me. i do not want people to see me as being uncaring but yet at the same time i want people to fear me. i fear them getting too close and knowing the real fragile amy. and yet i want them to be close to me so that i can release the pain and anger inside of me. such contradicting thoughts…
sometimes i do wonder why do i bother so much? maybe when i am six feet underground then i wont bother too much and people do not bother me too much as well.
