::mindless blabber::

coming to penang and work was one of the most complusive decision that i have ever made in my life. it was almost similar to the decision to go back to study for my degree when i have actually be working in a good place for 3 years. having to leave my comfort zone and just adapt to being in a new environment. sometimes i wonder how and why i would do such things in my life. just taking risks and chances both in career and my relationships.

i had no one i know in penang. just all by myself and my suitcases and boxes (my mom thought i was goin to move my entire room to penang.. hahahah) i am goin to be living on my own and there is no boundaries. when i was back in KL, i had to come home latest by 2 am and when i am here all by myself and not subject to any curfew, i do not go out at all. funny?

sometimes i wonder what if i have not made the decisions that i have made in the past? yes yes yes here goes amy with her obessive compulsive behaviour again.. what if i have actually taken the time to think straight and made the decision based my on brain and not on my heart? for example, if i would to think straight 3 years ago of not goin back to get my degree, i would have still be working with the same company with a lowly pay and would really beat myself out when i look at my frens with degrees and high paying jobs. what if i did not get involved with my ex of 4 years even when i knew that there could not be a future in that relationship? i would have not grown stronger and actually be more mature in terms of relationship wise and might not have enjoy some good old memories with my ex.

what if i for once ever listened to my mom and dad? probably would end up with nothing just becoz i would not have dared to try things in my life. i would end up being so naive and just sheltered and dependent on my parents. probably i would have a better relationship with thm as well. but then giving up my independence and my loud voice? hmmm…

my mom has always scolded for just doin what i want to do and never cared abt how it would affect others. i am sort of wondering why would i want to care about other people when some of the decisions i made is actually concern with my own well being? what does it got to do with other people? i mean cant i be selfish and think for myself? what kind of charity would benefit if i were to think abt others and how abt charity for myself?

i saw oprah’s show and she talks abt loving one’s self before actually loving another person. becoz if u do not even know how to love yourself then how could u simply love someone else? i agree on that becoz if u do not even consider urself self worthy to be taken care of then how would be able to care for someone else?

at the moment, i am in a self love and hate relationship with myself. sometimes i love myself too much and sometimes i hate myself as well. such complications and contradictions are so puzzling and difficult to solve. now the question is that how can i bring myself to care for other like how i care for myself? it is gonna be similar as well as i am goin to have a love and hate relationship with other as well with myself? more private ponderings within myself…