::mindless blabber::

went back to KL during the weekend. had quite a good time back home. spent time with family, the cat and friends. did lots of shopping… how could i resist? i start to realised that the journey spent to and fro KL is not that long anyway. it is the best time to actually catch some much needed beauty sleepin the bus. have not been sleeping much this week becoz of new work schedule and also that i have not been having a really healthy body week.

had been bingeing on too much coffee, mash potatoes (at work) and not much fruits and vegs. i must admit that it is my own fault as well. i just cant resist good mash potatoes. it is such a comfort eating mash potatoes. becoz of the crazy work schedule, my lunch is scheduled as early as 9.30am when there isnt much food ready at the cafeteria. have to make do and re adjust the eating pattern.

i lived a very organized life. i eat at a certain time and sleep at a certain time and exercise on a daily basis. now, i dun get to eat at regular hours, eating nonsense stuff and not sleepin enough and not exercise enough either. the body is started to rebel and telling the fat and lazy self to get my butt moving and start to exercise. problem is the my schedule doesnt really allow me any day time to actually go for a good 1 hour jog. hmmm.. execuses for the big fat lazy bum of mine.

anyway goin to come back early for the next few weeks and do at least half an hour of jogging for the next two weeks before i start to put pressure on my body to get fit again. it is easy to just let go and add a few pounds here and there but when it comes to losing it, it is really damn difficult. being able to fit into nice clothes is a factor of getting my bum moving from the couch and start exercising. i still have a nice short boards pants which i am aiming to fit in by the end of this year hopefully. have to start doing weights as well becoz i like that ripped effect it does to my arms, legs and back. [think jennifer garner in elektra, nice bod, arms and abs]

ok so back to my trip back home. to tell u the truth eventhough i am from KL but i have never stepped foot on Berjaya Times Square. felt like such a country bum when my fren told me to met her in McD in Times Sq. i went up to the person who was at the info counter and asked her.. felt as though i was tourist in a foreign country. what a country bum that woman must think.

i am not sure what the trend are with kids these days but on my dayout to times square, i had culture shock. kids were wearing rags and stuff which i dun even wear when i was their age. it was so elaborate, expensive and what ever happened to just big t shirts, baggy jeans and ripped jeans? my mom was at my neck when i started with my baggy pants and baggy tops and everything black. but now kids are wearing clothes out of a movie or book or just plain fashion mags. and it is not the imitation of what is from the magazine, its the real thing. kids nowadays are so pampered and spoilt. during my time, a trip down to McD’s once a week is a real treat. hmm maybe a sign i am getting old… sob sob sob… (telling myself i am not old, i am not old, i am not old..)

changes. it is a good change that i came to penang. i mean it is good in terms of the relationship that i am having now with my parents. we are not up to each other necks nowadays coz we dont confront each other every day like we used to. i guess that is a good start. my relationship with my parents were never good. it either between me and my mom and then it is escalated to me and my dad. we always play the “its your fault” and “i blame you for so and so” game all the time. both me and my mom are damn headstrong and stubborn and never wanting to give in no matter wat. i guess you know where i got that stubborness from.

in terms of relationship with men, well lets leave that subject out for a moment becoz i had so much changes in the past few months and it is difficult to write what is happening in that department. leaving that for the next post.

yes finally world cup season is on…yes yes yes i watch football. what is that look on guys face when i tell them that i do watch football and yes i know what is an offside. men generally think that MOST women watch football is to look at the good looking guys running in the field with short pants. well maybe for some but i watch footie becoz i like the game. my mom said it a stupid game with 22 guys chasing after one stupid ball. cant they all get one ball each??? hahahaha….

for those who did not know that i do watch footie becoz of the game, i started watching footie when i was 5. my dad used to play a lot of football until he got asthma and he couldnt run anymore. my dad also used to be a great fan of our local club Selangor. well that was then, but now looking at the pathetic state of our local football sport. it is sad to say football in malaysia back in the 70s and 80s were much better than now.

one particular game which i remember till now was in 1996 where i had the chance to go watch football live with my dad at the Shah Alam stadium for the Malaysia Cup finals between Selangor and Sabah where they draw 1-1 and it went to penalty and Selangor won with 5-3. it was crazy, all the selangor fans were crazy and so was i… at first i was just acting cool but looking at the excitement of the game, i couldnt help but join in as well. mind you, i used to be very very tomboyish. with baggy clothes and selangor ski cap to boot.

ya ya ya no one even believe it that i used to be a tom boy and never wore a skirt or heels in my entire teenage life. i only started to wear a decent skirt and heels when i was 20 when i started working. now i am absolutely obssessed with heels, boots, pointy shoes…. to date in my two months staying in penang i have gotten 4 pairs of shoes. hahahaha my mom is gonna kill me, she thinks that i have too many shoes. looks who is talking when she has like a collection of shoes herself llike abt 8 pairs which she bought never wear them at all. she always say it is for a special occasion. i wonder when is that???

anyway back to football. well last saturday, i finally met up with a net fren, Brendan (which i forgot how did we ever got acquainted sorry ah buddy?) also met with his lovely and quiet girlfriend Michelle. also not forgetting his frens : jason (reminds me of another net fren in singapore that looks just like him), brian (brendan told me he looked like jay chao… hmmm i wonder which part… hahahah P/S hey brian if u are reading this, FYI i dun like jay chao but his music is ok. and i think u look better than jay chao lar.. hahahah); zen (cool looking dude) anyway brendan thanks for bringing me out to meet ur frens. they are cool and so are u..

anyway back to football, ehem mr brian thinks that i was looking at the footballer’s butt when he was tackled down which i was not. i didnt even realised his butt. i do not know a lot of football trivia and facts which i dun think i need to memorize unless i am in a games show on football history. so u cant expect me to remember exactly which year a certain country won the world cup or which players are in which teams. i remeber back when i was still high school i used to buy manchester united mags (cost RM15-25 a month and i was on a RM50 a week allowances) but sad to say i am not an ex man utd fan (i know u are a man utd fan brendan!) i guess i graduated from football mags to girls mags and now i am addicted to novels. not love novels puhleaseee……i only read anne rice, james patterson, john grisham and occasionally stephen king. at the moment i am collecting books from james patterson, so anyone wanna donate pls donate.. dun mind 2nd hand ones becoz i am only concerned with the content and i normally keep my books in good shape (wrapped in two plastic covers and kept in sealed boxes and i will murder anyone who dog-ears my books!!!)

and i just finished watching japan vs australia match earlier and i cant believe that JAPAN LOSE 1-3 to the aussies… bummer…well i heard from my other net fren that USA are getting their butts kicked by the Czechs 1-0 at the moment… hahahaha i hope my team ITALY would win against Ghana later today! VITTORIA ITALIA!!!

May 25, 2006. Front top (L to R) Simone Barone, Andrea Barzagli, Marco Materazzi, Alessandro Nesta, Vincenzo Iaquinta, Luca Toni, Alberto Gilardino, Massimo Oddo, Cristian Zaccardo. Center (L to R) Gennaro Gattuso, Mauro Camoranesi, Simone Perrotta, Team Manager Gigi Riva, Coach Marcello Lippi, Vice President Giancarlo Abete, Gianluca Zambrotta, Fabio Grosso. Down (L to R) Andrea Pirlo, Filippo Inzaghi, Francesco Totti, Marco Amelia, Gianluigi Buffon, Angelo Peruzzi, Alessandro Del Piero, Fabio Cannavaro, Daniele De Rossi. WORLD CUP 2006 PREVIEW TEAM GROUPS REUTERS/Tony Gentile

when i was younger i always wished that i was a boy. i hate being a girl becoz there are so many rules. my mom especially put me in dresses and skirts and i am expected to sit down quietly like a gentle being. hahaha that never worked for me becoz being a young curious kid like i was went i was younger i never stood at one place quietly. well it was said that i am a boy in disguise of a girl. i was the monkey around the house when i was younger. my maternal grandma (bless her and she is still goin on strong at 90) had the stamina and the strength to actually keep up with me. i get grounded so many times when i was younger becoz i used to take my bike and ride around my town and always come back real late in the evening.

i caught snakes, lizards, cats, dogs and brought them home. my grandma once screamed havoc when i brought some frogs home becoz they were jumping everywhere in her house. hmmm the perils of being a kid. i always hang with boys and i prefer to hang with them becoz they were less complicated than girls. yupe even at the very young age, i found other girls to be way too classy to hang with me. but i never bothered with their primmmed up dresses and playing with barbie dolls.

when i reach the adolescent years, i became even more desperate to be a boy than a girl. i started to developed ehem.. breasts and i hated them becoz guys would stare at them. yes yes yes by the age of ten i was almost fully developed and when i reached 12, full blossoms in the air. hahahah i hated it so much that i rebel against my parents and started to wear baggy and black coloured clothes and cut my hair real short. i wasnt afraid to talk back at guys and much more fought with a few of them when i was still in primary school. yupe i fought with one of the gangster kids in school. that fella pissed me off then i had his stuff in the dustbin and then he took my books and threw it in the bin. i was so mad that i kicked and punched the guy. one of the male teacher gave both of us one slap each. i remembered that day very well..

then came my teenage years and i still hate being a girl and my dad sent me to an all girl school. luckily there are a few types of girls in school. one that are those really prim and proper and the other group nerds and those really genuis type that excel in everything (looks, sports, talent, luck, rich), the rebels (i was in this group in my later years), the wall flowers (the nobodies that no one ever remembered) and some other types. when i first went to school, i was the wallflower for 3 years then i got really pissed with the world and became a rebel. i still hate being a girl.

well after high school and comes college years where i was in the verge of discovering myself. i felt attracted to guys but never really came by to really like a guy. having my heart broken after finding out the guy i really liked was with my good friend in college and being the last person to ever find that out. and she knew that i really liked the guy. back then i was still a tomboy, never wore skirt and heels. i really hate myself being a girl becoz not only we are the ones that get hurt in relationships but we tend to suffer more than guys.

women are always in the down side of things. we bleed once every month and some lucky people like myself suffer from terrible migraines and cramps and all that stupid things. we waste money having to buy expensive sanitary pads and painkillers. we get unwanted urges to eat all kinds of things at that time. and when its over, we are in risk of getting ourselves pregnant if we do not take precautionable measures like a condom and contraceptive pills. if women just goes off and boinks with guys, she is called a slut but when a guy does it with anyone with tits, he is the MAN! so unfair. and when women get pregnant, they have to carry the baby for a painstaking 9 months and after that we have to suffer the pain of child birth. after childbirth, men find us unattractive and look for someone else or just imagined they are boinking someone else in bed. women have the responsibility to taking care of children and if the child goes bad, the mother is often blamed for it.. why women have to suffer so much?

being a woman of this modern age doesnt bring much comfort nor differences at all. i wished i could lead a life like how a guy would. but that cant be done, women tend to think and care too much. f*ck it why why why??

after those lack lustre years of being a woman, it only dawned to me when i reached my young adult life that being a woman is actually somewhat of a blessing in disguise. i came to realised that having a set of boobs and buns is really beneficial. men tend to give in to women that way.. i also realized that i have acquired some skills that women are good in like manipulating people, plotting, deceptive, organized and intuitive. i am good in playing the reverse pyschology game with guys (oppss now my secret is out…) i like being organized and neat (yes yes the obsessive compulsive behaviour is starting to show itself isnt it?) sort of remind me of the Patrick Bateman from the American Pyscho movie. i love that character it was so cool. christian bale has such a great bod in that movie.. i know i am diverting the post here but i cant help it.

let me show u how he looks in the movie..

see what i mean? which gal could resist not thinking abt his bod??

go watch the movie. it is so profound and dark and i have a thing for dark and sadistic movies like these.

hahaha now i really enjoy being a woman. maybe the early ages of being a girl has not been easy for me. well enjoying except when its that time of the moment.. i still have those stupid cramps and migraines. hmmm… blessings in disguise indeed.

expectations…those dreaded words are haunting me. its constant hauntings makes me sad, happy, depressed and go nuts some times. how did these things called expectations started to haunt me? well from a very young age, my mom put a lot of expectations on me. mainly its becoz we were not really accepted by my dad’s side of the family. so therefore to be accepted i was put out like a freak show to prove our self worthiness to be in the family tree. my paternal grandmom always patronize my mother in everything she does liek her cooking, her sewing, her baking and all that becoz my mom is chinese. and in the end i got patronized by my mom

i had to be better than my paternal cousins be it academic or sports or other things. and then i had to be better than anyone in my class. i was the top student in my primary school every year. i was either number 1, 2 or 3 every year. i was in the top class becoz my school usually place all the tops students in the same class so that we get the best teachers and attention. my mom sent me to the best art school, bought me the best books, got me the best english tuition teacher. but despite all these achievements in my early age, i was always a loner and i never have any friends in school. i was also getting myself into trouble all the time like getting into fights with boys, skip school and religious classes, not doin my homework.

i was rebelling and all that anger and depression was building in me all those years. until when i went to high school. i was in an all girls school and it was kindof a very good school. i still had good grades until form 3 when i just totally gave up studying and just rebel to the max. joining all the clubs in school which last the whole day at school becoz i do not like to go home. i dread goin home… i still do even now. even when i was working, i try as must to stay in the office till 10pm then go home real late and sometimes hanging with my work collegues till midnight.

my mom’s expectation of me being the best in everything i do made me become what i am now. she always expect the best from me. but then sometimes i feel that it is rather unfair becoz she doesnt do that with my sister. despite having blamed my mother for all the anger, sadness and depression she has caused me all these years, i come to think that if she didnt have that kind of expectation on me, i would not have become the strong and driven person that i am today. i would not have went back to get my degree done if i wasnt driven and courageous enough to take the risk. i would have been working with a lowly paid job for the rest of life and blame my mom for the rest of my life.

neither would i have the courage to take chances in my life. now it seems without her expectating anything from me. i have this expectation on myself. i am actually pressuring myself to do things that ppl would say is impossible for me to do. the more some one say it is not possible, the more i want to do it. it is like an invisible force within me that mocks me whenever i am about to give up. its like having two amy, one the sarcastic one and the other the weakling who is about to give up in everything. every seen movies when one character has two alter-ego fighting with each other on what decisions to make? it seems that is happening with me sometimes.

so what do i expect from myself? i want to have a successfully career and pay off any kindof loans that i have at the moment (ie PTPTN loan) get a good place to stay, a nice working car and a nice pet for myself. hmm some might wonder how abt relationship wise? hmmm that would be for my next post….