::mindless blabber::

expectations…those dreaded words are haunting me. its constant hauntings makes me sad, happy, depressed and go nuts some times. how did these things called expectations started to haunt me? well from a very young age, my mom put a lot of expectations on me. mainly its becoz we were not really accepted by my dad’s side of the family. so therefore to be accepted i was put out like a freak show to prove our self worthiness to be in the family tree. my paternal grandmom always patronize my mother in everything she does liek her cooking, her sewing, her baking and all that becoz my mom is chinese. and in the end i got patronized by my mom

i had to be better than my paternal cousins be it academic or sports or other things. and then i had to be better than anyone in my class. i was the top student in my primary school every year. i was either number 1, 2 or 3 every year. i was in the top class becoz my school usually place all the tops students in the same class so that we get the best teachers and attention. my mom sent me to the best art school, bought me the best books, got me the best english tuition teacher. but despite all these achievements in my early age, i was always a loner and i never have any friends in school. i was also getting myself into trouble all the time like getting into fights with boys, skip school and religious classes, not doin my homework.

i was rebelling and all that anger and depression was building in me all those years. until when i went to high school. i was in an all girls school and it was kindof a very good school. i still had good grades until form 3 when i just totally gave up studying and just rebel to the max. joining all the clubs in school which last the whole day at school becoz i do not like to go home. i dread goin home… i still do even now. even when i was working, i try as must to stay in the office till 10pm then go home real late and sometimes hanging with my work collegues till midnight.

my mom’s expectation of me being the best in everything i do made me become what i am now. she always expect the best from me. but then sometimes i feel that it is rather unfair becoz she doesnt do that with my sister. despite having blamed my mother for all the anger, sadness and depression she has caused me all these years, i come to think that if she didnt have that kind of expectation on me, i would not have become the strong and driven person that i am today. i would not have went back to get my degree done if i wasnt driven and courageous enough to take the risk. i would have been working with a lowly paid job for the rest of life and blame my mom for the rest of my life.

neither would i have the courage to take chances in my life. now it seems without her expectating anything from me. i have this expectation on myself. i am actually pressuring myself to do things that ppl would say is impossible for me to do. the more some one say it is not possible, the more i want to do it. it is like an invisible force within me that mocks me whenever i am about to give up. its like having two amy, one the sarcastic one and the other the weakling who is about to give up in everything. every seen movies when one character has two alter-ego fighting with each other on what decisions to make? it seems that is happening with me sometimes.

so what do i expect from myself? i want to have a successfully career and pay off any kindof loans that i have at the moment (ie PTPTN loan) get a good place to stay, a nice working car and a nice pet for myself. hmm some might wonder how abt relationship wise? hmmm that would be for my next post….