::mindless blabber::

at times when i am all alone at home nowadays, i just wished i had someone by my side. not necessary to talk to but just by my side. especially when i am in a super mood to cuddle up and sleep. at times like this, i wished i had that special someone. but i know that i had it once and that it wasnt meant to be.

why do i have to do this to myself? why do i always myself miserable for no good damn reason? why am i constantly on the road of self destruction and self sabotaging? when things are good in my life, i always managed to find a way to just make it not right and make myself miserable.. am i addicted to bad things happening to me or am i just not capable of enjoying happiness and peace?

but i guess i was never healed from the first place. just that the pain was always there but i always managed to shut it away from my brain and when my mind is left idle and not occupied, i start to ponder and think why is am i so miserable and yet happy? am i truly happy or am i just never meant to achieve even a fraction of happiness no matter with who i am with? when i was with my ex, i was happy but deep in me i am still sad.

at the moment, in terms of goals in my life, i know i am half way there but as for relationship wise, i know i have to sacrifice it becoz i truly believe that i would never feel it anymore. “IT” being that sense of love and happiness with someone and nothing else matters. i dun ever think i can ever get that feeling back again. most probably my heart is so beaten and injured that it just cant repair itself anymore. it just cant simply let anyone in anymore. for me, men are just companions for that short period of time. i never thought that i would have any future with any guy. it would be better off for them to find someone who is worthy of their time. that is why i kept getting involved with the wrong type of guys who i know were never meant to be and who i know will never end up with me for a long term relationship.

no doubt i try to live my life as though it was my last but then sometimes when deep down inside, you know that it wont be your last day and you are goin to go thru life all alone, sometimes that makes life just stings a bit. i see ppl get together, get married, have kids and knowing that i would never get that. seeing my frens getting hooked, then marriage, then kids and grow old with their loved ones. looking at my parents, no doubt they argue all the time and life may not always be in wonderland but at least they got each other.

my advice to ppl : cherish people who are special to you. make them know you love and appreciate the fact that they make a difference in your life. living life without having that person as your anchor is not easy, you be tumbling thru life like a bootle in the sea with no destination.

back when i was kid, i used to complain and whine a lot. i always have a say about everything. i was always pissed that whatever i had to say did not matter and not taken into consideration and my parents/adults are making decisions for me. like what to wear, what to eat, what to do and how to behave.

then came my teenage years, somehow i didnt care what my parents say and just do as i please. i always felt that i do not need any approval or acknowledgement from my parents on what i am goin to do. so i eat, dress and do as i please. whether it was a bad decision or a good one, my parents would be damn pissed over it becoz their little girl is growing up and making her own decisions. as a result, i never think twice before doing something. for me the thrill was actuallly doing something and pissing my parents off. yes i used to tell people that i have a death wish and just doing simply anything to piss my parents off.

now gone are the days of being carefree and not thinking twice before doing something. now being an adult living by myself and not tied down by my parents or even a boyfriend, i basically have the license to do whatever i please. but it seems that decisions are more difficult to make when you are all on your own. making the decision to move from KL to penang for a job was easy becoz i wanted to badly to get away from my parents. now when i finally have my own place and have my own space, i have to make decision for everything. like what to buy for groceries, paying bills, managing finances, buying a car, decisions about career, decisions about men…

when i was still staying with my parents, i need not care abt groceries as the food and daily items are always available at home. paying bills was not part of my item as well as my mom manages the finances at home and i just give her some money to just pay bills for me. in kl, i did not think of getting a car becoz i was driving the family car which is fully paid for. and the only thing i need to worry about was abt my career and my choice of men… easy easy life… but now, everything is in my hands. not exactly enjoying all of it but then i think it is rather essential for me to find out on my own how to live my life as an independant adult out in the dog eat dog world out there.

now i understand why some guys/girls still lived under the same roof with their parents. part of it is that they are afraid that they cant survive out there on their own. making crucial decisions in their life is scary for some ppl. some just could not function without their parents. that reminds me of my fren baljit who always depended on her late mom to cook for her and she never even know how to cook instant noodles. but that was back then, now baljit is almost a half qualified cook..i know one person who doesnt even know how to operate a washing machine. talk about being spoilt. i am not spoilt and i know how to cook but i still do find that living on your own is hard but still bearable. i wonder how a person who has always depended on his/her mom to cook, do the laundry and clean the house, depended on daddy dearest to fetch him/her thru and fro places and help fix the car when it is down???

i am not saying that you have to leave home and not stay with your parents. i do respect some ppl that do stay with their parents becoz with that they do not really have their own privacy and also certain freedom. a parent is always a parent, they would not allow their children to grow up even though their children is fully grown adult. in their mind, children would always be children. for someone to truly find out what they are truly made of and also find their own identity is to have their own space and also making decisions in their life all by themselves.

there are so many things that i found out about myself which i never knew by just living on my own for the past 3 months. some things that i didnt understand and realised before this, it just suddenly became crystal clear to me. i am still in the amidst of self discovery and understand my purpose in life instead of just living my mundane life back in KL and actually finding things that i feel passionate about and want to do for a living. things just became clearer.