decisions, decisions, decisions…
back when i was kid, i used to complain and whine a lot. i always have a say about everything. i was always pissed that whatever i had to say did not matter and not taken into consideration and my parents/adults are making decisions for me. like what to wear, what to eat, what to do and how to behave.
then came my teenage years, somehow i didnt care what my parents say and just do as i please. i always felt that i do not need any approval or acknowledgement from my parents on what i am goin to do. so i eat, dress and do as i please. whether it was a bad decision or a good one, my parents would be damn pissed over it becoz their little girl is growing up and making her own decisions. as a result, i never think twice before doing something. for me the thrill was actuallly doing something and pissing my parents off. yes i used to tell people that i have a death wish and just doing simply anything to piss my parents off.
now gone are the days of being carefree and not thinking twice before doing something. now being an adult living by myself and not tied down by my parents or even a boyfriend, i basically have the license to do whatever i please. but it seems that decisions are more difficult to make when you are all on your own. making the decision to move from KL to penang for a job was easy becoz i wanted to badly to get away from my parents. now when i finally have my own place and have my own space, i have to make decision for everything. like what to buy for groceries, paying bills, managing finances, buying a car, decisions about career, decisions about men…
when i was still staying with my parents, i need not care abt groceries as the food and daily items are always available at home. paying bills was not part of my item as well as my mom manages the finances at home and i just give her some money to just pay bills for me. in kl, i did not think of getting a car becoz i was driving the family car which is fully paid for. and the only thing i need to worry about was abt my career and my choice of men… easy easy life… but now, everything is in my hands. not exactly enjoying all of it but then i think it is rather essential for me to find out on my own how to live my life as an independant adult out in the dog eat dog world out there.
now i understand why some guys/girls still lived under the same roof with their parents. part of it is that they are afraid that they cant survive out there on their own. making crucial decisions in their life is scary for some ppl. some just could not function without their parents. that reminds me of my fren baljit who always depended on her late mom to cook for her and she never even know how to cook instant noodles. but that was back then, now baljit is almost a half qualified cook..i know one person who doesnt even know how to operate a washing machine. talk about being spoilt. i am not spoilt and i know how to cook but i still do find that living on your own is hard but still bearable. i wonder how a person who has always depended on his/her mom to cook, do the laundry and clean the house, depended on daddy dearest to fetch him/her thru and fro places and help fix the car when it is down???
i am not saying that you have to leave home and not stay with your parents. i do respect some ppl that do stay with their parents becoz with that they do not really have their own privacy and also certain freedom. a parent is always a parent, they would not allow their children to grow up even though their children is fully grown adult. in their mind, children would always be children. for someone to truly find out what they are truly made of and also find their own identity is to have their own space and also making decisions in their life all by themselves.
there are so many things that i found out about myself which i never knew by just living on my own for the past 3 months. some things that i didnt understand and realised before this, it just suddenly became crystal clear to me. i am still in the amidst of self discovery and understand my purpose in life instead of just living my mundane life back in KL and actually finding things that i feel passionate about and want to do for a living. things just became clearer.
