::mindless blabber::

at times when i am all alone at home nowadays, i just wished i had someone by my side. not necessary to talk to but just by my side. especially when i am in a super mood to cuddle up and sleep. at times like this, i wished i had that special someone. but i know that i had it once and that it wasnt meant to be.

why do i have to do this to myself? why do i always myself miserable for no good damn reason? why am i constantly on the road of self destruction and self sabotaging? when things are good in my life, i always managed to find a way to just make it not right and make myself miserable.. am i addicted to bad things happening to me or am i just not capable of enjoying happiness and peace?

but i guess i was never healed from the first place. just that the pain was always there but i always managed to shut it away from my brain and when my mind is left idle and not occupied, i start to ponder and think why is am i so miserable and yet happy? am i truly happy or am i just never meant to achieve even a fraction of happiness no matter with who i am with? when i was with my ex, i was happy but deep in me i am still sad.

at the moment, in terms of goals in my life, i know i am half way there but as for relationship wise, i know i have to sacrifice it becoz i truly believe that i would never feel it anymore. “IT” being that sense of love and happiness with someone and nothing else matters. i dun ever think i can ever get that feeling back again. most probably my heart is so beaten and injured that it just cant repair itself anymore. it just cant simply let anyone in anymore. for me, men are just companions for that short period of time. i never thought that i would have any future with any guy. it would be better off for them to find someone who is worthy of their time. that is why i kept getting involved with the wrong type of guys who i know were never meant to be and who i know will never end up with me for a long term relationship.

no doubt i try to live my life as though it was my last but then sometimes when deep down inside, you know that it wont be your last day and you are goin to go thru life all alone, sometimes that makes life just stings a bit. i see ppl get together, get married, have kids and knowing that i would never get that. seeing my frens getting hooked, then marriage, then kids and grow old with their loved ones. looking at my parents, no doubt they argue all the time and life may not always be in wonderland but at least they got each other.

my advice to ppl : cherish people who are special to you. make them know you love and appreciate the fact that they make a difference in your life. living life without having that person as your anchor is not easy, you be tumbling thru life like a bootle in the sea with no destination.