::mindless blabber::

i just realised i have a thing for movies with strong women. women who may seem strong from the outside but have actually undergo tragedies in their lives. i am also drawn to characters who have self conflict within themselves about who and what they really are. these characters normally may look perfect from the outside but deep down these characters are flawed, broken and sad. maybe i am drawn becoz i see myself like the characters i see in these movies.

i never liked watching love movies or anything that depicts that women need a man to get thru life. or that everything has to end happily ever after. i like movies that let you think what is the possible ending of the movie. something that would make u think what would happen at the end. leave you wondering.. i really like movies with women kicking the guys’ ass.. all time fav would be Jennifer Garner in the series Alias. despite her being all strong and sometimes inhuman and cold blooded, there are times in the series, you see her break down and cry. sometimes she is just so weak and just wants to give up but at the end, she just did what she could.

sometimes, ppl do think i am cold blooded and that i do not really care abt ppl. especially when it comes to the subject abt my parents and my siblings. ppl always tell me that now i HAVE to start taking care of my parents and siblings. well, i know i have to care of my parents but then it doesnt mean that i have to stay with them to take care of them. plus i AM NOT the only child they have. my siblings can start to take care of them as well. there is no rules anywhere stating that the eldest child HAVE to take care of the parents. next comes the subject of taking care of my siblings, as far as i am concerned, i have taken care of them since they came to this world. they had their big sister covering up and taking all their crap. do i really need to take care of them any longer. i am sure that they are self suffice to take care of themselves now. there isnt any mandate in this world stating that i have to take care of my siblings for the rest of my life. well but if they are in trouble, i would be the first one to be there for them and stand up for them.

ppl think that what works for them works for me as well. they always seem to think that certain things are good for me. even i wont know whether certain things that was suggested is good for me so how would they know since they do not lead my life? ppl always say that maybe if i give chance to have a real relationship with another decent person or even consider marriage or consider a different race as a life partner, then i would be better off. what i tell them is that this is my life and you do not not know what i have gone thru and i am not considering other alternatives becoz i want to live my life without having someone ruin my life for me. if i am gonna being ruining my life let that person be myself.

my parents, my frens and some ppl who knows me asked me whtr i have ever think of marriage? well to tell you the truth, once i really did consider it but then i know that was just something i could never get or even think of. if only my life is not so complicated then i might have the slightest consideration for it. i actually did unawarely confessed to my parents that i do not want to get married becoz of my religion which i do not have any belief for it. i told my parents that i do not want to make other ppl’s life more complicated and ruin their life. i told them that i am destined to be alone and just let me be. my dad shrugged and told me maybe i am not “enlighted” with my religion and God. he told me someday i might need god for help and guidance. come to think of it, ever so often i have lie alone in the darkness talking to myself especially when i feel lost, helpless and despressed, i never once get any enlightment. at times when i was in despair, on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, when i am about to just give up everything, at times when i just think that living doesnt really mean anything to me, i never felt anything or enlighted..

what i really felt is that i am all alone and it is really up to me to make the difference in my life and not anyone else like another guy, or friends or god. let say if i am suddenly struck down with an incurable disease, i would fully accept it as what it is and it is really my own willing wthr to fight or to give up. it is all the matter of my own choice becoz in the end, i am gonna be alone with all these decisions in life and no one else. as for ppl who think that i need someone to take care of me, well i have taken care of myself all these while and who else know me better than myself. why would i need someone who barely even knows me to take care of me? sometimes ppl think they know what is best for other ppl..

alright too much thinking done and damage is done.. better get some sleep and try not to think aloud too much now..

i never realised ppl do read my blog. so when i got an email from a total stranger who asked abt my well being and asked why i had not been updating my blog. well i have been totally caught up with work and by the time i get home off work, my brain is too dead to think and write anything. So i decided maybe i can blog from work, especially when it was not too busy.

thanks anucia for your concern and thanks for bookmarking me.

i had been busy for the past two weeks towards the end of july with work since the mgmt decided to implement a new schedule pattern. need to totally change my schedule as well. since my fren, khoo has left the company for a better place and my fren krishu with a totally different time schedule, i had to find new means to get to work. so what i did i do? bought a bike and started to ride the bicyle to work. after 2 days of riding on the bike, i couldnt feel my legs for the past few days. the thighs hurt, the back hurts, the shoulder hurts and the chest hurts as well. everything freaky hurts..

when i lay down to sleep at night, it was relief. until i woke up late that day and had to forgo my plans to ride the bike to work for that day. but i was determined to make it work so i decided to go ahead with my plans of riding the bike to work. so far made lots of progress, my butt no longer hurts that much, back is ok, and my thighs got stronger. so one step at a time, next month i am gonna enrol in a nearby gym and work on weights.

sometimes having some things lacking makes u think out of the box and make do with things in another way around. no one actually believed that i did really rode the bike to work the whole week..i firmly believe that things eventually would work out the way i want it to be one way or the other. never know where i got this perseverance in me to not quit and never giving up things easily. that is why it makes things in life difficult for me becoz i am so damn stubborn and i never said anything cannot be done. i also noticed that my siblings do not share this trait with me, my brother usually just gives in to anything that comes his way and he will make do with it. my sister is even worse, she doesnt even know what she wants… hahahah

sometimes i wonder how things would be if i wasnt that stubborn and hard headed. maybe i would have succumbed to having a mediocre life and not as difficult and colorful as what it is now. maybe i would have been happier and more contented with life than being a miserable, obsessive complusive person and a perfectionist in my own way. maybe i wont even make it this far and even consider finishing my degree or even take the chance at a job in a far far place away from home. or i could be more miserable than what i am now and may not even live to see my 30s.

with riding the bike, it made me more calm some how and it allows my brain to unwind from hard day at work and made me think about things. yes yes yes ppl always asked me not to think too much abt things but i just cant help it. life is like riding a bike, the bike may fit you and it might not but u can make do with as long as it keeps you moving from one place to another. riding bike is also not always smooth and could be really bumpy and you could fall sometimes. but still you are able to stand up again and ride the bike again. it is a lot like how we go thru life. some ppl’s life is smooth and problem free and some like mine, bumpy and tends to have many falls but eventually you will get to your destination bruised and tired. Bruises may heal and tiredness could be cured but then never stop riding.

do not know what got into me being all so philosophical all of the sudden.. maybe its the “Ride the Bike” philosophy…