::mindless blabber::

its thursday now and i am so looking forward to friday… its the weekend… so looking forward for some good old beauty sleep. i mean i do sleep on normal days but then most of the time i would be waking up every hour to check on my watch and hopefully i dun oversleep. that is the perk of working off shift hours. this entire month my work hours are from 4am till 1pm.. it is only on the weekend that i get a good 8 hours of solid undisturbed sleep. i know its bad for my health but i am so used to it. my mom said i am gonna look like 40 by the time i turned 30 but most ppl wont believe my age when they know my real age. they always thought i was younger.

most ppl like my work colleagues all thought i was this blur just out of college graduate who do not know anything abt working life. little that there know i have been working since i was 17. and little that they know i work in various kind of industry and encountered numerous different ppl. why do i give such 1st impression to other ppl? hmm maybe its that blur and innocent look that i have.. wahahahaha btw i can be evil looking if i want. i can potray many kinds of feelings and looks. i am a good actress and i have pretended to just get things to go my way.. like when i was to attend a job interview, i told my supervisor that my grandpa was in hospital (but my grandpa passed away eons ago) i fake anxiety and sadness… good huh??

certain point in our life we have to play pretend, we just have to.. there are too many fake ppl out there and there are ppl who would bully u with their great acting skills and then climb over your head if you are not careful. i am a very skeptic kind of person and paranoid sometimes. i am skeptic when i met someone who everyone sing high praises abt and also when ppl mentioned that they are this and this good. i mean someone who is really good at something wont sing their own praises… they just keep quiet and make sure only the relevant ppl hear these praises. that is what i would do..

as my birthday is dawning close, i reflect on what has happened over the one year from my last birthday. many things have changed and most of them are good than bad. well nothing really to complain. i was more contented now than i was last year.

come to think of it at this time last year, i was a struggling student trying to finish her final year project in time. i was close to a nervous breakdown and almost gave up on the last 2 weeks before the deadline. i had some friends who could not cope and they just gave up decided to stay on another year to finish their studies instead. the idea has dawned in my head but i did not go for that option thinking and put up that “just do it and let die” attitude. it was a risky chance that i took but then i managed to get thru with half flying colours. well why half flying colours : coz my project had 4 modules and 2 parts was really good but the final 2 parts were just so-so. my advise to peps who are doing final project in my college was never do your work at the very last minute which i did.

last year, my relationship ended in december. was really heartbroken but it was for the benefit of both parties. eventhough he has gotten a new gf but i have no ill feelings towards him. at first i was really pissed but then as time goes by , i guess both of us became better friends.

besides that i guess my relationship with my parents became better ever since i moved away to live in penang for work. maybe distance to make the heart grow fonder. i never actually heard my dad said “i love you” before straight to my face but when i do come home, he did seem more caring. but still i guess the relationship with my parents would only be this way becoz i was never really close to them to begin with but we never know what the future holds. maybe it could be better or at the moment, i should just leave the way things are.

in terms of my emotional state, last year i was much much more depressed and more inclined to suicidal thoughts than now. on and off i do get bouts of depression but less frequent now than previous years. i guess being busy with work and new environment and having more alone time for myself did me some good. but i do still get depressed for no good reason. dont know why but trying to work on at the moment. looking for methods to feed my mental state with good stuff.

besides all that massive changes are that i am not living in KL, working at the job that i do enjoy eventhough sometimes i do not feel like working. the part that i like about my job is that i get to help ppl with my skills and that i can connect with ppl from different part of the world and actually help them eventhough we are so far apart. well sometimes i do get crazy and demanding and a**holes that are just plain stupid ppl. they used foul language, used intimidation and also tried crying just so that they would get their way. sounding like a spoilt kid… i had one customer yesterday she was frustrated that she was on hold on the phone for so long to get thru to us and when she got thru she was pissed. i was tryin to sort out with her on what is wrong with computer and she was just so impatient and emotional. she started to sob. i told her to calm down and we do the troubleshooting slowly but she just kept sobbing. then when she finally managed to remove the cover of the she could not locate the RAM. then she start cursing. i was like WTF is wrong with this psycho woman. but i did not lose my patience and tried to calm her down again but she is inconsolable. i totally gave up and decided to just send down someone to find out what is wrong with her computer.

i have also noticed something else abt myself. not only i have become more patient but i am less tempermental than b4. maybe the job is really kicking its effect by instilling patience in my behaviour. as the saying goes patience is a virtue. but i have always been patient but then it was usually for show. usually i would act patient and then behind closed door i would be like mad and just damn right pissed. yes yes i am a good actress. come to think of it, are we all actors in one point in time of our lives? sometimes we have to act a certain role just to get by life. some ppl have to put up a fake facade in their entire life just to get where they are at the moment. sometimes i could really tell if someone is just acting or they are really sincere. well i am good in telling fake and legitimate kind of person. isnt it better that we all just stop being actors and be honest? hmm life would be so much simple and less complicated. well i wish i could say the same for myself but i too put up a facade just so that i wont appear vulnerable and fragile. i guess that is just survival…

anyhow once in a while i do reflect on my life (well actually i always think too much abt it) maybe it is just me wanting to have control over everything that happens in my life. i always think a few steps further before i do something and yes i tend to day dream what things would turn out if i do something the way that i have planned it. but sometimes planning ahead do not always go your way. but sometimes dont you feel that when you are doing something and then you think : hey i thought this would happen.. then this sense of dejavu just come across your mind. weird… creepy… but i guess it is the subconscious mind playing tricks on our mind. our brain even play tricks on us.. imagine what fools we are?? hahahaha i guess that is just life right?

had been in an insomnic state for the past week or so. had too much to think in my brain i guess and it is goin into an overdrive at the moment. giving me sleepless nites. am tired but the brain refuse to go to sleep mode but goes to hyperactive mode instead. what the hell have i been thinking about?

one thing or another it is certainty not work becoz i am still new at my job and no complains so far as long as the dirty hands of office politics do not touch me. still new so i would need to observe and see which team i should belong to and make my move on the appropriate ppl. its inevitable that office politics plays a big part in someone’s career pathway. one glitch and that is the end of ur career, jose…

anyway i have been thinking abt my love life or it seem the lack of it? having close friends telling me to get involved in relationship just becoz i can is really getting to me. i know i am an obsessive complusive kindof a person. i worry abt everything despite there is nothing to worry abt. why do i care so much?? for example, i know that i did a good job on something but then i would always super critize myself until someone comes over and tell me that i really did a good job. its like i do not trust myself in a way or that i am forever chasing perfection and think that whatever i do is never good enough for anyone including myself. i mean i do not crave for perfection but then i just need to get the affirmation that it was really good. You know what i mean?

so having brought up the subject of my love life which i had purposely just never venture or even talk abt. its like i know its there but i chose to ignore it and hope that it would go away. part of me wants it so bad and part of me is telling me that i would get myself in trouble. i for one is not one of those lucky women in this realm called love. maybe these lucky ppl are blessed with good luck or they have some fairy god mother/father up there to bless them with everlasting happy relationships…

its not that i cant seem to find the right guys or even the good guys but some times good guys are too good that it is not really a good thing. good guys are always attached or it is that they just seem more appealing when they are attached to someone? or is it that their gfs say their bfs are really good to them and thus making them seem more appealing?? hmmm… it could be that possiblity. or they could have turned over a new leaf becoz of the efforts made by their respective gfs? another possibility…

some guys i met are either just too good but it might be that it is wrong timing when we eventually meet. i really liked this guy and this guy really liked me as well but then he has a gf and thus bad timing. i was secretly wishing that he breaks up with his gf but that didnt happen… (see evil amy emerges…)

or some guys are just not right for me or just simply not my type despite them being super nice or everyone tells you that he is a good catch… if he is such a good catch why dont u go for instead : that is what i tell them back… hahahaha

sometimes when u least expect something to happen, it would eventually happen but it takes lots of patience and also a lot setbacks along the way. its like back before i was with my ex, i was hoping that i get someone and i just kept looking and finding but ended up with nothing. on the day that i vowed that i am gonna quit looking for love, i was gonna let love come me and it really did.. at the most unexpected way… so at the moment, i was not really looking for love or anything like that but just goin out with a few guys and that is all and not thinking where it is gonna end up, love slowly crept up behind me unexpectedly.

maybe i missed the feeling of love and being in a love relationship with someone. missed having someone be there for you despite everything that has happen.. i missed spending time with someone and you could be doing absolutely nothing together. sleeping next to each other, watching a movie together despite having watched it b4, hugging someone before you go to sleep and seeing that person when you sleep and see that person next to you first thing in the morning lying next to you. i know i know i am starting to sound like a crappy romance book or love story. even walking aimlessly in a shopping mall was fun to do as long as you have company of someone that that you like/love. i missed having that privilage.

maybe i miss that loving feeling (crap its sounds like a familiar song) and that had me thinking abt love. what am i gonna do? act on it or just leave it as it is now and end up with more sleepless nites? humans are so blessed by having emotions arent they?