love life? what love life?…
had been in an insomnic state for the past week or so. had too much to think in my brain i guess and it is goin into an overdrive at the moment. giving me sleepless nites. am tired but the brain refuse to go to sleep mode but goes to hyperactive mode instead. what the hell have i been thinking about?
one thing or another it is certainty not work becoz i am still new at my job and no complains so far as long as the dirty hands of office politics do not touch me. still new so i would need to observe and see which team i should belong to and make my move on the appropriate ppl. its inevitable that office politics plays a big part in someone’s career pathway. one glitch and that is the end of ur career, jose…
anyway i have been thinking abt my love life or it seem the lack of it? having close friends telling me to get involved in relationship just becoz i can is really getting to me. i know i am an obsessive complusive kindof a person. i worry abt everything despite there is nothing to worry abt. why do i care so much?? for example, i know that i did a good job on something but then i would always super critize myself until someone comes over and tell me that i really did a good job. its like i do not trust myself in a way or that i am forever chasing perfection and think that whatever i do is never good enough for anyone including myself. i mean i do not crave for perfection but then i just need to get the affirmation that it was really good. You know what i mean?
so having brought up the subject of my love life which i had purposely just never venture or even talk abt. its like i know its there but i chose to ignore it and hope that it would go away. part of me wants it so bad and part of me is telling me that i would get myself in trouble. i for one is not one of those lucky women in this realm called love. maybe these lucky ppl are blessed with good luck or they have some fairy god mother/father up there to bless them with everlasting happy relationships…
its not that i cant seem to find the right guys or even the good guys but some times good guys are too good that it is not really a good thing. good guys are always attached or it is that they just seem more appealing when they are attached to someone? or is it that their gfs say their bfs are really good to them and thus making them seem more appealing?? hmmm… it could be that possiblity. or they could have turned over a new leaf becoz of the efforts made by their respective gfs? another possibility…
some guys i met are either just too good but it might be that it is wrong timing when we eventually meet. i really liked this guy and this guy really liked me as well but then he has a gf and thus bad timing. i was secretly wishing that he breaks up with his gf but that didnt happen… (see evil amy emerges…)
or some guys are just not right for me or just simply not my type despite them being super nice or everyone tells you that he is a good catch… if he is such a good catch why dont u go for instead : that is what i tell them back… hahahaha
sometimes when u least expect something to happen, it would eventually happen but it takes lots of patience and also a lot setbacks along the way. its like back before i was with my ex, i was hoping that i get someone and i just kept looking and finding but ended up with nothing. on the day that i vowed that i am gonna quit looking for love, i was gonna let love come me and it really did.. at the most unexpected way… so at the moment, i was not really looking for love or anything like that but just goin out with a few guys and that is all and not thinking where it is gonna end up, love slowly crept up behind me unexpectedly.
maybe i missed the feeling of love and being in a love relationship with someone. missed having someone be there for you despite everything that has happen.. i missed spending time with someone and you could be doing absolutely nothing together. sleeping next to each other, watching a movie together despite having watched it b4, hugging someone before you go to sleep and seeing that person when you sleep and see that person next to you first thing in the morning lying next to you. i know i know i am starting to sound like a crappy romance book or love story. even walking aimlessly in a shopping mall was fun to do as long as you have company of someone that that you like/love. i missed having that privilage.
maybe i miss that loving feeling (crap its sounds like a familiar song) and that had me thinking abt love. what am i gonna do? act on it or just leave it as it is now and end up with more sleepless nites? humans are so blessed by having emotions arent they?
