birthday cake anyone???
as my birthday is dawning close, i reflect on what has happened over the one year from my last birthday. many things have changed and most of them are good than bad. well nothing really to complain. i was more contented now than i was last year.
come to think of it at this time last year, i was a struggling student trying to finish her final year project in time. i was close to a nervous breakdown and almost gave up on the last 2 weeks before the deadline. i had some friends who could not cope and they just gave up decided to stay on another year to finish their studies instead. the idea has dawned in my head but i did not go for that option thinking and put up that “just do it and let die” attitude. it was a risky chance that i took but then i managed to get thru with half flying colours. well why half flying colours : coz my project had 4 modules and 2 parts was really good but the final 2 parts were just so-so. my advise to peps who are doing final project in my college was never do your work at the very last minute which i did.
last year, my relationship ended in december. was really heartbroken but it was for the benefit of both parties. eventhough he has gotten a new gf but i have no ill feelings towards him. at first i was really pissed but then as time goes by , i guess both of us became better friends.
besides that i guess my relationship with my parents became better ever since i moved away to live in penang for work. maybe distance to make the heart grow fonder. i never actually heard my dad said “i love you” before straight to my face but when i do come home, he did seem more caring. but still i guess the relationship with my parents would only be this way becoz i was never really close to them to begin with but we never know what the future holds. maybe it could be better or at the moment, i should just leave the way things are.
in terms of my emotional state, last year i was much much more depressed and more inclined to suicidal thoughts than now. on and off i do get bouts of depression but less frequent now than previous years. i guess being busy with work and new environment and having more alone time for myself did me some good. but i do still get depressed for no good reason. dont know why but trying to work on at the moment. looking for methods to feed my mental state with good stuff.
besides all that massive changes are that i am not living in KL, working at the job that i do enjoy eventhough sometimes i do not feel like working. the part that i like about my job is that i get to help ppl with my skills and that i can connect with ppl from different part of the world and actually help them eventhough we are so far apart. well sometimes i do get crazy and demanding and a**holes that are just plain stupid ppl. they used foul language, used intimidation and also tried crying just so that they would get their way. sounding like a spoilt kid… i had one customer yesterday she was frustrated that she was on hold on the phone for so long to get thru to us and when she got thru she was pissed. i was tryin to sort out with her on what is wrong with computer and she was just so impatient and emotional. she started to sob. i told her to calm down and we do the troubleshooting slowly but she just kept sobbing. then when she finally managed to remove the cover of the she could not locate the RAM. then she start cursing. i was like WTF is wrong with this psycho woman. but i did not lose my patience and tried to calm her down again but she is inconsolable. i totally gave up and decided to just send down someone to find out what is wrong with her computer.
i have also noticed something else abt myself. not only i have become more patient but i am less tempermental than b4. maybe the job is really kicking its effect by instilling patience in my behaviour. as the saying goes patience is a virtue. but i have always been patient but then it was usually for show. usually i would act patient and then behind closed door i would be like mad and just damn right pissed. yes yes i am a good actress. come to think of it, are we all actors in one point in time of our lives? sometimes we have to act a certain role just to get by life. some ppl have to put up a fake facade in their entire life just to get where they are at the moment. sometimes i could really tell if someone is just acting or they are really sincere. well i am good in telling fake and legitimate kind of person. isnt it better that we all just stop being actors and be honest? hmm life would be so much simple and less complicated. well i wish i could say the same for myself but i too put up a facade just so that i wont appear vulnerable and fragile. i guess that is just survival…
anyhow once in a while i do reflect on my life (well actually i always think too much abt it) maybe it is just me wanting to have control over everything that happens in my life. i always think a few steps further before i do something and yes i tend to day dream what things would turn out if i do something the way that i have planned it. but sometimes planning ahead do not always go your way. but sometimes dont you feel that when you are doing something and then you think : hey i thought this would happen.. then this sense of dejavu just come across your mind. weird… creepy… but i guess it is the subconscious mind playing tricks on our mind. our brain even play tricks on us.. imagine what fools we are?? hahahaha i guess that is just life right?
