::mindless blabber::

watched this comedy love story called a lot like love. yeah yeah i know what you think.. WTF!!! amy watching a love movie… yeah yeah yeah.. well i absolutely adore the actress amanda peet not the actor (ashton kutcher: yuck i hate him in 70’s show!) amanda peet is such a funny actress. first saw her in movie called The whole nine yards and she is absolutely hilarous.. she was also so hilarous in this movie as well.

so what is this movie abt ?? its abt two total strangers started off well not in the most conventional way of starting off a relationship and how that relationship developed over the years and they had a relationship that is in between friends and lovers. over the years, they met other people, married or engaged to other ppl and at the end realised that they could not be apart of each other coz they are really in love with each other. the movie was not soppy like some love movies that you see nowadays and it does have a bit of reality in it. the movie actually tells u eventhough u plan something in long term like a relationship it doesnt necessarily end the way you want it, and sometimes what u really need is just right in front of you. it is only when you are about to lose it, then only u realised it.. sad…

the last part of the movie was so funny… amanda peet’s character : Emily went to Oliver’s (ashton’s character) house to find that it was wedding in session. she saw oliver in a suit and thought that he was getting married. so she ran and BANG! she slam herself on the glass door… OUCH.. then she ran back to her car cryin thinking that it was too late and she will never get oliver again.. then oliver told her that it was his sister’s wedding… hahahaha malu malu…

anyway would like to share the lyrics on the theme song in the movie by aqualung and the title of the song is brighter than sunshine. the words are really meaningful…

:::::brighter than sunshine ::by aqualong::

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you’re standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
and it’s brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I’d given up and given in
I just couldn’t take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn’t have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

I got a feeling in my soul ..

the words up there basically sums up what has been happening to my life recently. despite having to work during the public holidays : deepavali and hari raya, i was really looking forward to my trip back to KL.

my whole family (yes the entire clan) came to penang to keep me company during the festive season. my mom who is a genius, got a place in equatorial hotel and she brought almost the whole kitchen with her.. hahaha first day she was here, i got to enjoy beef rendang. next day i had chicken and beef rendang and ketupat (packed rice). my brother told me that nite, they had fried chicken and nuggets for dinner… all she brought was the rice cooker (was RM40 selling cheap at tesco) and couple of kitchen utensils… my mom is a genius… guess where are the good genes went to.. heheheh urs truly of course…

anyway came back to KL on friday nite, went on shopping spree… its mad.. things in KL is so much nicer.. i dun know why but i enjoy shopping in KL rather than in Penang.. maybe that is why they call KL the shopping haven.. i went to 1 Utama. shopping mall is damn big since they open the new wing.. i never got to walk the entire mall coz it was just too big.. if anyone ever finish or managed to walk and visit every shop in 1Utama they should give that person a cert of accomplishment… coz it just too damn big..

anyway i got some really nice stuff in 1 utama after like walking for 1 hour looking for that shop. i still owe a fren lunch coz he guide me to the location of the shop. out of 5 ppl i asked, only one got it right! hmm even the receiptionist and the security guard do not know the location.. shouldnt ppl who work at the place have knowledge of the place they work at…ignorance or just plain lazy.. its like a sales person should know the details of the product that they are selling. i mean u are selling it u should know what it is made of, location to get teh product and things like that.

it was raining on saturday when i went to KL with a *fren* (notice that fren is with **) and thanks to him, and despite me askin whtr we should bring an umbrella , we didnt bring one out… i know i know i should listen to my little voice in my head sometimes. not only it was raining cats and dogs, i had my credit card eaten by the hungry atm.. i guess it was starving during the holiday seasons. despite all this, i was not even pissed or even down. hmmm wonder why??? well since reading this book by the Dalai Lama called The Art of Happiness, i have learned to shift my thinking. why do we always be mad at ppl or things, it is becoz it made our life a bit difficult.. if we think that these things happen and just shift our thinking so that we are not mad, we be much happier ppl. well it takes a bit of practice and patience to have this kind of paradigm change on our lives. i think i would be able to have a lot of practice on this becoz i deal with difficult ppl in my work everyday.

instead of having that thought of put urself on ppl’s shoes which is taught by every call centers, i should shift ppl’s anger towards me to something more positive. by not taking that person’s anger and madness and make it affect me but to actually channel it elsewhere and to have compassion for that person who is mad. i guess with someone raving mad and cursing on the phone, if u act calmy and speak with a clear sense of what needs to be done, some ppl will actually stop what they are doin and actually listen to you. but then most of the time ppl do not do that.

most ppl would think that their life had been difficult and they want ppl to know their difficulties and that is why they start yelling and cursing and being mad becoz they want to just vent out. it is not entirely ur fault that their pc decided to rebel without a cause on them but just that ppl want to vent out their frustration and anger so that they would feel better. i guess if everyone learnt to shift their thinking like how dalai lama has taught in his book, the world would be a better place to live in.

in the past i have been mad and angry towards ppl close to me, my parents, my siblings, my so called frens and my loved ones… well i do not usually vent out or start showing my anger to these ppl, i normally just suppress my anger. this behaviour is good but has negative effects on me. i was like a bomb waiting to explode sometimes.. so far i have only exploded twice in my entire life becoz i was just so fed up and angry. i guess why i was so angry is becoz ppl around me do not know how the way they treat me is bad and that i was hurt coz i never told them that i was mad and angry. i just suppress my anger. and that feeds in the anger that later became hatred.. in the past i used to wrote on my journal (not online) that i hated my parents, i hated my frens and i hated myself as well.

despite ppl saying that writing can keep u sane and help in venting out, it didnt really help but just made it worse especially when my mom found my journal and read what was written. she became very sad that i wrote that i hated her and that she didnt love me. that is when i stopped writing for a few years until i found blogging.

i think my biggest weakness is that i cared too much about ppl and wish that ppl would care like how i care about them. but normally ppl just do not see what i have done for them and that hurt me becoz i expect them to appreciate what i have done for them. i do not expect anything in return but some action or words of appreciation that shows that that person acknowledge what i have done. at this moment i should just focus on giving and not expecting anything at all. as long as i know i am happy giving and giving. as far as i am concerned i made a difference in ppl’s life in a positive way.

another weakness is that i should learn how to forgive. usually i just forget abt bad things that ppl have done, but i never truly fogiven them becoz one mention of that person who have wronged me, i just start bad mouthing that person which is not good for them and myself.. must learn to forgive..

u guys must be thinking that amy has gone ku ku up there in her brain.. well dont worry the core of amy still very much alive and kicking, a girl still have to vent once in a while and also voice her views on ppl and things that goes around the world…

by the way i am starting to do online novel writing for nanowrimo… hopefully i can finish in time! wish me all the best!

despite having made friends online and also staying by my own with lots of freedom, i had been made a slave to work. everyday it is the same damn thing : work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep… wanting to have a life beside working, decided to join a gym. so now the sequence goes like this : work, exercise, eat, sleep…

from what ppl may think: they think that since i am all on my own now. my life would be a real socialite delight. but unfortunately it is not what many would think it would be. even back in KL , when i was still attached with HSBC, my life was also work, gym, eat and sleep.. come think of it, eventhough i have lots of friends, i do not normally hang with them. maybe as time goes by when we get older, our priorities in life changed. no doubt, my friends are all the world to me but so is my job. it is a matter of the chicken and egg problem. if i do not have a job that pays well, i wont be able to hang out with my friends without worrying abt who is gonna be paying the rent and bills.

despite having no life in my real life, i have made many friends online. unfortunately in this new virtual world, no one is like what they may seem to project/potrayed. some may be just creative projection and persona that one may take up when they go online to hide under a mask of inferiority. if you are fortunate enough, u may get to know good ppl and end up being long life friends. if you are in bad luck, you might end up talking to some sex maniac who cant stop talking about sex all the time. i mean i do talk abt sex but then not all the time becoz life is not all about sex. i also hate when some guys think that by telling me they had sex with so and so and how good it was and how great they are in bed. puhleasssseee lar. that is so degrading for his own good.

despite all these bad apples online, i did managed to get to know some peeps online who are really funny, caring and had been there for me at times when i am down. special thanks to Najib, James, Sean and Remy and these are some of the good guys i met online. some i met personally and some i have yet to met them. yes yes admitly, most of my online friends are guys. maybe there are too many lonely guys out there. maybe there are too many lonely, desperate, sex maniac ones as well. maybe it is one’s need to fill the void in their life. that is why the internet is such a life changing tool. you may be a no body in the real world but you may be a popular guy online where everyone seeks your advice or values your views.

having said that, if there were no internet, i think like would be really boring. and also not many free things can be obtained like mp3s, pirated softwares, movies and stuff like that. ppl who are got rich milking the IT cow would not be rich either. ppl would not have a place where they could be someone else and not get caught by the authorities.

now back to me venting out on having lack of life lately. this week was particularly tough, i was really tired and also got sick. am currently typing this blog entry with a stuffed nose and sore throat. throat feels like hot lava is burning underneath and nose is just completely blocked off. but not everything is bad, i finally got my car after riding on my bike for almost one month. legs are definately stronger but too muscled looking. need to go back to swimming to trim those muscled looking legs… despite having a car i didnt feel like goin anywhere or just maybe becoz i am down with a flu that is why it is dangerous to drive when you are on flu and sore throat medication.

anyway i am looking forward to goin back to KL on the 14th for my graduation convocation (at last!) it had seemed very long but then despite the fact that it is only another 3 months to go before year 2006 would just pass me by. time really flies without us knowing it. and before i even noticed my birthday is just two months away. another year older and my first year of celebrating my birthday without my ex. it would be tough espcially when my birthday falls on a monday! craps….

anyway more updates for this week…i have a lot in my mind lately…

yes finally world cup season is on…yes yes yes i watch football. what is that look on guys face when i tell them that i do watch football and yes i know what is an offside. men generally think that MOST women watch football is to look at the good looking guys running in the field with short pants. well maybe for some but i watch footie becoz i like the game. my mom said it a stupid game with 22 guys chasing after one stupid ball. cant they all get one ball each??? hahahaha….

for those who did not know that i do watch footie becoz of the game, i started watching footie when i was 5. my dad used to play a lot of football until he got asthma and he couldnt run anymore. my dad also used to be a great fan of our local club Selangor. well that was then, but now looking at the pathetic state of our local football sport. it is sad to say football in malaysia back in the 70s and 80s were much better than now.

one particular game which i remember till now was in 1996 where i had the chance to go watch football live with my dad at the Shah Alam stadium for the Malaysia Cup finals between Selangor and Sabah where they draw 1-1 and it went to penalty and Selangor won with 5-3. it was crazy, all the selangor fans were crazy and so was i… at first i was just acting cool but looking at the excitement of the game, i couldnt help but join in as well. mind you, i used to be very very tomboyish. with baggy clothes and selangor ski cap to boot.

ya ya ya no one even believe it that i used to be a tom boy and never wore a skirt or heels in my entire teenage life. i only started to wear a decent skirt and heels when i was 20 when i started working. now i am absolutely obssessed with heels, boots, pointy shoes…. to date in my two months staying in penang i have gotten 4 pairs of shoes. hahahaha my mom is gonna kill me, she thinks that i have too many shoes. looks who is talking when she has like a collection of shoes herself llike abt 8 pairs which she bought never wear them at all. she always say it is for a special occasion. i wonder when is that???

anyway back to football. well last saturday, i finally met up with a net fren, Brendan (which i forgot how did we ever got acquainted sorry ah buddy?) also met with his lovely and quiet girlfriend Michelle. also not forgetting his frens : jason (reminds me of another net fren in singapore that looks just like him), brian (brendan told me he looked like jay chao… hmmm i wonder which part… hahahah P/S hey brian if u are reading this, FYI i dun like jay chao but his music is ok. and i think u look better than jay chao lar.. hahahah); zen (cool looking dude) anyway brendan thanks for bringing me out to meet ur frens. they are cool and so are u..

anyway back to football, ehem mr brian thinks that i was looking at the footballer’s butt when he was tackled down which i was not. i didnt even realised his butt. i do not know a lot of football trivia and facts which i dun think i need to memorize unless i am in a games show on football history. so u cant expect me to remember exactly which year a certain country won the world cup or which players are in which teams. i remeber back when i was still high school i used to buy manchester united mags (cost RM15-25 a month and i was on a RM50 a week allowances) but sad to say i am not an ex man utd fan (i know u are a man utd fan brendan!) i guess i graduated from football mags to girls mags and now i am addicted to novels. not love novels puhleaseee……i only read anne rice, james patterson, john grisham and occasionally stephen king. at the moment i am collecting books from james patterson, so anyone wanna donate pls donate.. dun mind 2nd hand ones becoz i am only concerned with the content and i normally keep my books in good shape (wrapped in two plastic covers and kept in sealed boxes and i will murder anyone who dog-ears my books!!!)

and i just finished watching japan vs australia match earlier and i cant believe that JAPAN LOSE 1-3 to the aussies… bummer…well i heard from my other net fren that USA are getting their butts kicked by the Czechs 1-0 at the moment… hahahaha i hope my team ITALY would win against Ghana later today! VITTORIA ITALIA!!!

May 25, 2006. Front top (L to R) Simone Barone, Andrea Barzagli, Marco Materazzi, Alessandro Nesta, Vincenzo Iaquinta, Luca Toni, Alberto Gilardino, Massimo Oddo, Cristian Zaccardo. Center (L to R) Gennaro Gattuso, Mauro Camoranesi, Simone Perrotta, Team Manager Gigi Riva, Coach Marcello Lippi, Vice President Giancarlo Abete, Gianluca Zambrotta, Fabio Grosso. Down (L to R) Andrea Pirlo, Filippo Inzaghi, Francesco Totti, Marco Amelia, Gianluigi Buffon, Angelo Peruzzi, Alessandro Del Piero, Fabio Cannavaro, Daniele De Rossi. WORLD CUP 2006 PREVIEW TEAM GROUPS REUTERS/Tony Gentile

expectations…those dreaded words are haunting me. its constant hauntings makes me sad, happy, depressed and go nuts some times. how did these things called expectations started to haunt me? well from a very young age, my mom put a lot of expectations on me. mainly its becoz we were not really accepted by my dad’s side of the family. so therefore to be accepted i was put out like a freak show to prove our self worthiness to be in the family tree. my paternal grandmom always patronize my mother in everything she does liek her cooking, her sewing, her baking and all that becoz my mom is chinese. and in the end i got patronized by my mom

i had to be better than my paternal cousins be it academic or sports or other things. and then i had to be better than anyone in my class. i was the top student in my primary school every year. i was either number 1, 2 or 3 every year. i was in the top class becoz my school usually place all the tops students in the same class so that we get the best teachers and attention. my mom sent me to the best art school, bought me the best books, got me the best english tuition teacher. but despite all these achievements in my early age, i was always a loner and i never have any friends in school. i was also getting myself into trouble all the time like getting into fights with boys, skip school and religious classes, not doin my homework.

i was rebelling and all that anger and depression was building in me all those years. until when i went to high school. i was in an all girls school and it was kindof a very good school. i still had good grades until form 3 when i just totally gave up studying and just rebel to the max. joining all the clubs in school which last the whole day at school becoz i do not like to go home. i dread goin home… i still do even now. even when i was working, i try as must to stay in the office till 10pm then go home real late and sometimes hanging with my work collegues till midnight.

my mom’s expectation of me being the best in everything i do made me become what i am now. she always expect the best from me. but then sometimes i feel that it is rather unfair becoz she doesnt do that with my sister. despite having blamed my mother for all the anger, sadness and depression she has caused me all these years, i come to think that if she didnt have that kind of expectation on me, i would not have become the strong and driven person that i am today. i would not have went back to get my degree done if i wasnt driven and courageous enough to take the risk. i would have been working with a lowly paid job for the rest of life and blame my mom for the rest of my life.

neither would i have the courage to take chances in my life. now it seems without her expectating anything from me. i have this expectation on myself. i am actually pressuring myself to do things that ppl would say is impossible for me to do. the more some one say it is not possible, the more i want to do it. it is like an invisible force within me that mocks me whenever i am about to give up. its like having two amy, one the sarcastic one and the other the weakling who is about to give up in everything. every seen movies when one character has two alter-ego fighting with each other on what decisions to make? it seems that is happening with me sometimes.

so what do i expect from myself? i want to have a successfully career and pay off any kindof loans that i have at the moment (ie PTPTN loan) get a good place to stay, a nice working car and a nice pet for myself. hmm some might wonder how abt relationship wise? hmmm that would be for my next post….