lonely christmas…
it was a long week and beside the fact that my exams are over and i am semi-graduated from college with a degree. i was somewhat feeling lonely and sad. why? i should be happy but then i am sad at the same time. my last exam was on friday and that nite itself i was invited to a christmas party by my ex-employer, Ms Liza at her office.
it is normal for her to have the office christmas party with a lot of good food and lots and lots of booze as well. anyway i went by myself and left by myself… after the exams, i went to have something good to eat and celebrate but then i didnt have the appetite to eat. i went for sushi and i can hardly finish even 5 plates of sushi. normally i would eat about 10-12 plates but now i just couldnt eat.
during the christmas party, i just had a serving of turkey, some vegs and mushroom and i cant eat anymore. i am not sure why and what happened to me. but i know i had a lot of champagne, white and red wine. needless to say i finish my nite a bit drunk and very high. luckily i could still behave myself and didnt puke in my friend’s car. i do not even remember how much booze i had because i kept refilling my glass.
i came back quite early at abt 11pm and my parents was still awake and they have never seen me quite high like this. in my entire life of boozing, i have only got drunk twice and needed ppl to help me get sober. i was high and a but drunk but i still managed to take a bath, change and went to bed. i woke up from a hangover and got over that myself as well. life is starting to feel really empty.
before this, college life and stuff filled my life with things to do. but now since i am graduating, i am feeling an empty void. it doesnt help as well that i am separating from my bf as well. it is making my life feel really really empty. i have a lot of friends in college but then i am not really close to anyone. most probably becoz i have always been a loner in my entire life. i was never the one who play with people in school when i was younger. i always played with myself, read books by myself and all. until my parents started to get worried when i was 8 and wanted to send me to see a shrink. hahaha.. that snapped me to reality and that i had to make friends to avoid this from happening.
yes i have friends and people know and remember me from school but then i am still very much a loner at heart. i can go and watch a movie all by myself before i got hooked up. now i have to get back to that. christmas eve was really pathetic today becoz i had no one to go out with and my bf for some reason is avoiding me. i went to gym and it was really really quiet and it was nice to work out when there is so little people in the gym. plus some of those working out are some good looking guys. hahahah what a way to celebrate christmas eve.
after the workout, i went looking for food and cant help but noticed couples passing my way, happy parents with their young children and all taking photos and shopping and chattering about. get really really make me feel sad and lonely. taking a long and slow walk home, i tried to clear my mind from all this but then it is hard for me to not think about it.
i wished i didnt have this empty void in my life. i always felt empty and lonely. i do not know why. now i just really feeling it eventhough i am at home with my entire family. i have no sense of belonging and no sense of feeling happy for any reason. feeling is numb and i hate it. i just hate the holiday seasons.
well for people who are more lucky than me, have a happy christmas and great new year. as for me, i need to get myself busy and not think about anything at especially about the empty void and loneliness.
