::mindless blabber::

have been in a hiatus for quite some time now. time to break the missing in action attitude amy. yeah yeah.. its the holidays seasons.. a great time to go MIA for a while. just in a blink of the eye and it is christmas today.

imagine at this very moment last year, i went thru the hardest part of the holiday season last year. many things happened last. many things happened this year as well. no longer labelled a student but a young adult ready to venture out the working life. it is not as though i have not been in the working life before but this time it is a lot different.

usually at the end of the year, we normally will reflect on things that happened thru out the year and reflect on things we done, have not done and things to do for the new year. pretty sure that the year 2006 would be a memorable one for me as there was so many things happening in my life that totally changed the course of my life for years to come.

i have officially gotten my degree and then move out from my parents and staying on my own in a different state with a totally new job. that by itself was so such a major change. many people think i was crazy to leave everything i have in KL and move to penang to a new job. i have my family, friends and most of my life was spent living in KL. normally you will hear stories of the small town girl/boy moving to a big city but never of the story of big city girl to a small town. funny right?

well my friends said i was crazy but then they would have known as they know i never do things which is ordinary or sane. in fact even my parents thought i was crazy as they think i would never survived on my own but then as all parents are they never really know their own children. my parents think i am still a small girl with two pony tails. hahahaha…

i just wondered sometimes time really flies when you are living it the fullest. i discovered many things about myself this year. just realised that i am capable of many things and what are my limits in life. finding an identity of myself and what are the next few steps i want to take in life. found peace with old enemies especially with myself. i am my worse enemy really. sometimes i find that i am a double personality kindof person. there is the logical and sensible amy and there is this emotional and fragile amy. beside that i discovered spiritualism that really helped me find peace in myself, my parents and lots of old anger that i normally keep within myself.

i met a lot of people this year who helped me found myself. some good ones, some bad ones… but no matter whether they are good or bad, they tigger a change in my life. like a small ripple on a pool of water and it changes everything.

i am still good friends with my ex. many people were surprised especially my close friends when i told them that i am still in touch with my ex eventhough the breakup was kindof bad. but i think if you know a person for so long (in this case 4 years) and u were close with that person for so long, it would be difficult to just suddenly break off the connection and relationship. although we are no longer a couple anymore, the connection and relationship that we had cant just suddenly be broken apart. what i know now is that i can be his friend and he can confide to me when he needs someone to hear him out. i also wish him all the best in his present relationship with his current gf. come to think of it, i am like a private emotional therapist for him now.. hahahaha maybe i should start charging him… heheheh (just joking lar)

although i do not really understand or talk much to my parents but i am no longer angry towards them anymore. it is really hard for them to understand me and hard for me to even understand them. a friend told me that relationship that had be severed many years ago can be mended but normally it takes one party to initiate the mending process. it is not that i do not want to mend the relationship with my parents but i rather not have my parents know things about me especially some things that my parents (which i know) would never understand and comprehend. it is rather weird when i heard thru the phone when my dad said he loves me and i do not know how to answer him back. as far as how things are goin, i happy that i do not have arguements with them. i only wished that i could helped out with the family matters as much as i can to make things easier on their side.

beside working life, my personal life still remain the same but then i met someone whom i really like. unfortunately life does not always work the way you want it to be all the time. the person i like just wants to be friends which is totally fine with me. hopefully time can change things and always hope for the best. yeah it is hard for to be just friends with a person whom u are fond of and not start thinking abt that person all the time. sometimes women are just so biologically programmed to think abt getting hooked up, married and have kids when they start to be fond of a guy. must be something to do with the biological clock.. its makes women think crazy things… hahahah just found out from my cousin that our other cousin (girl) is getting married. this means that we, my cousin and i both are the remaining girls in the family not married yet. all my other cousins (all girls) are married and some have kids.

my cousin warned me that our grandma (bless her she is 80++) will be targetting both of us soon during chinese new year. time to plot our escapes when the time comes. hahahah we get it every year from our relatives, questions when we are getting married although we told them we do not even have a bf yet. then they would ask when are we getting a bf, we tell them that career comes first as both of us are the only ones that gotten degrees. questions after questions.. this do not just happen only on my mother’s side of the family, it happens on my father’s side of the family.

is there some thing wrong if a girl doesnt get married at a certain age?? so what if we end up being spinsters? sometimes life are just easier and less complicated if you are single. but then being single can be complicated as well if you make it complicated.. well i know coz sometimes i just make things complicated coz i am a complicated kindof a person.. confusing right? which one comes first? me being complicated or me making things complicated?? i dont know… i am getting confused myself. hahahah

anyway at times like this especially during the holidays seasons it is not difficult to find yourself miserable especially when u are alone and all you see are couples “happily” walking in shopping malls hand in hand. i put “happily” coz it is just i see on the surface but we never know the things that goes on beneath.

i guess whether you are single or in a relationship with someone, there are good and bad things abt it. the point is that you have to face it when it comes and no matter what happens, it builds your character and prepares you for things to come in your life. i guess once in a while in a certain point of time in everyone’s life, people experienced loneliness, happiness, sadness no matter.

well seems everything is mellow in my personal life but how abt my workin life? well i like my job but it is has been taking a toll in my life. besides sucking almost most of my time it also sucks up most of the enjoyment for the job. time to move or stay? short of 4 months more before i reach one year on the job. seems that time really flies… many people in my team left and some new faces came and gone as well. now under new management, it seems that they are under fire most of time and who else will get the wrath of it?? all of us under them.

am in sort of a dilemma, if i move back to KL for work and i do not want to stay back with my parents then where should i stay? but that depends where is my next job goin to take me. no way in hell i am gonna stay back with my parents.. hahahaha i like my independence and privacy which i am having now. i only need to conform to my rules… if only things would fall into place then it would be just be perfect… hehehe wishful thinking…

more to write after the new year or maybe prior to that…

watched this comedy love story called a lot like love. yeah yeah i know what you think.. WTF!!! amy watching a love movie… yeah yeah yeah.. well i absolutely adore the actress amanda peet not the actor (ashton kutcher: yuck i hate him in 70’s show!) amanda peet is such a funny actress. first saw her in movie called The whole nine yards and she is absolutely hilarous.. she was also so hilarous in this movie as well.

so what is this movie abt ?? its abt two total strangers started off well not in the most conventional way of starting off a relationship and how that relationship developed over the years and they had a relationship that is in between friends and lovers. over the years, they met other people, married or engaged to other ppl and at the end realised that they could not be apart of each other coz they are really in love with each other. the movie was not soppy like some love movies that you see nowadays and it does have a bit of reality in it. the movie actually tells u eventhough u plan something in long term like a relationship it doesnt necessarily end the way you want it, and sometimes what u really need is just right in front of you. it is only when you are about to lose it, then only u realised it.. sad…

the last part of the movie was so funny… amanda peet’s character : Emily went to Oliver’s (ashton’s character) house to find that it was wedding in session. she saw oliver in a suit and thought that he was getting married. so she ran and BANG! she slam herself on the glass door… OUCH.. then she ran back to her car cryin thinking that it was too late and she will never get oliver again.. then oliver told her that it was his sister’s wedding… hahahaha malu malu…

anyway would like to share the lyrics on the theme song in the movie by aqualung and the title of the song is brighter than sunshine. the words are really meaningful…

:::::brighter than sunshine ::by aqualong::

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you’re standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
and it’s brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I’d given up and given in
I just couldn’t take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn’t have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

I got a feeling in my soul ..

had been in an insomnic state for the past week or so. had too much to think in my brain i guess and it is goin into an overdrive at the moment. giving me sleepless nites. am tired but the brain refuse to go to sleep mode but goes to hyperactive mode instead. what the hell have i been thinking about?

one thing or another it is certainty not work becoz i am still new at my job and no complains so far as long as the dirty hands of office politics do not touch me. still new so i would need to observe and see which team i should belong to and make my move on the appropriate ppl. its inevitable that office politics plays a big part in someone’s career pathway. one glitch and that is the end of ur career, jose…

anyway i have been thinking abt my love life or it seem the lack of it? having close friends telling me to get involved in relationship just becoz i can is really getting to me. i know i am an obsessive complusive kindof a person. i worry abt everything despite there is nothing to worry abt. why do i care so much?? for example, i know that i did a good job on something but then i would always super critize myself until someone comes over and tell me that i really did a good job. its like i do not trust myself in a way or that i am forever chasing perfection and think that whatever i do is never good enough for anyone including myself. i mean i do not crave for perfection but then i just need to get the affirmation that it was really good. You know what i mean?

so having brought up the subject of my love life which i had purposely just never venture or even talk abt. its like i know its there but i chose to ignore it and hope that it would go away. part of me wants it so bad and part of me is telling me that i would get myself in trouble. i for one is not one of those lucky women in this realm called love. maybe these lucky ppl are blessed with good luck or they have some fairy god mother/father up there to bless them with everlasting happy relationships…

its not that i cant seem to find the right guys or even the good guys but some times good guys are too good that it is not really a good thing. good guys are always attached or it is that they just seem more appealing when they are attached to someone? or is it that their gfs say their bfs are really good to them and thus making them seem more appealing?? hmmm… it could be that possiblity. or they could have turned over a new leaf becoz of the efforts made by their respective gfs? another possibility…

some guys i met are either just too good but it might be that it is wrong timing when we eventually meet. i really liked this guy and this guy really liked me as well but then he has a gf and thus bad timing. i was secretly wishing that he breaks up with his gf but that didnt happen… (see evil amy emerges…)

or some guys are just not right for me or just simply not my type despite them being super nice or everyone tells you that he is a good catch… if he is such a good catch why dont u go for instead : that is what i tell them back… hahahaha

sometimes when u least expect something to happen, it would eventually happen but it takes lots of patience and also a lot setbacks along the way. its like back before i was with my ex, i was hoping that i get someone and i just kept looking and finding but ended up with nothing. on the day that i vowed that i am gonna quit looking for love, i was gonna let love come me and it really did.. at the most unexpected way… so at the moment, i was not really looking for love or anything like that but just goin out with a few guys and that is all and not thinking where it is gonna end up, love slowly crept up behind me unexpectedly.

maybe i missed the feeling of love and being in a love relationship with someone. missed having someone be there for you despite everything that has happen.. i missed spending time with someone and you could be doing absolutely nothing together. sleeping next to each other, watching a movie together despite having watched it b4, hugging someone before you go to sleep and seeing that person when you sleep and see that person next to you first thing in the morning lying next to you. i know i know i am starting to sound like a crappy romance book or love story. even walking aimlessly in a shopping mall was fun to do as long as you have company of someone that that you like/love. i missed having that privilage.

maybe i miss that loving feeling (crap its sounds like a familiar song) and that had me thinking abt love. what am i gonna do? act on it or just leave it as it is now and end up with more sleepless nites? humans are so blessed by having emotions arent they?

after spending 3 days back in KL with my family it was a welcoming sight to be back to penang. not that i do not like goin back to KL but then i really prefer my own place to hang. 3 days may seem short but long enough for me to be sane while spending time with my parents.

reason being home for 3 days is that i had my graduation convocation to attend on Sunday. finally, the official graduation after waiting for so bloody long. in fact i have actually graduated in December 2005 and gotten the official results in April 2006. well due to cost saving effort by my college, they decided to have the ceremony once a year instead of twice a year like previous years. such cheapstakes..

as normal when the whole family is together there is bound to be arguements and small fights between each member. this time the arguements were between my mom, bro and sis. my mom could be really a pain sometimes. she doesnt say what is that is bothering her or what she really wants us to do. she just say something and she expect us to decipher the hidden meaning behind what she just told you to do. and that is exactly what happened. despite my mom being cross with everyone. i was the peacekeeper this time. surprisingly i did not lose my temper or scolded or being cross with my mom. surprising huh? normally we would be neck to neck with each other and just killing each other silently with our cold stares or sarcactic remarks.

my dad mentioned this to me when he was sending me to the bus station on monday. he told me that he noticed that i was not as hot temper or in a short fuse like how i was when i was back in KL. maybe the change of environment has really done some good for me. or maybe not staying with my parents made me a more relaxed, sane and not so uptight. i used to be so uptight, almost most of the time i would be so stressed about everything. i would feel like i am under a microscope when i am with my parents. my parents brought us up that showing our real emotions in public is not encouraged. let’s say if we do not like that person, we still have to act gracious and be nice to that person. f*ck man.. u do not know how many times we had to play pretend like that especially when we are with our relatives.

my parents believe that we should act like that so that ppl would think we are all one big happy family. do not know why… anyway especially when we are with my dad’s relatives like my uncles and aunts. we have to act nice to my uncle eventhough i hated his guts. he was the one that complained to my dad when i was 10. i was riding my bike around my housing area (back when we all used to stay near each other when my paternal grandparents were still alive) i was only 10 and was wearing shorts. obviously when you are biking, of course wear shorts lar.. nothing wrong with that when you are just 10. you are just being a kiddo. riding a bike is such an enjoyable thing to do for a 10 year old kiddo.. but know what my uncle did? he called my dad and scold him for allowing me go biking around town half naked…half naked? i was wearing a tshirt and shorts.. what the f*ck is that then? my uncle has this delusion that he is the most religious person in the family. yeah right… let me tell you what he did to my dad. he pursuaded my dad to buy land saying it is a good deal. then without telling my dad he sold off his plot and then my dad’s land was being occupied by illegal immigrants. now my dad is left with a useless plot of land becoz the immigrants build their house there. what kind of blood brother would do that to your own brother?

not only that, my uncle knows that my dad has been retrenched and that was waiting for his EPF to come out. he had the cheek to ask my dad to lend him some money so that he can pay for his new house for renovations. my uncle pleaded saying no money and all that. when my dad refuse he then told everyone my dad was selfish. then when we went to his house for open house, my uncle bragged to everyone saying that he was debtless and the house was fully paid with cash. f*ck… no money : his wife’s arms was full of gold bracelets. bugger ppl…and my parents still insist we have to be nice to these kind of ppl. my uncle’s wife is so arrogant and when she talks to you, u would have the feeling that she is saying things sarcastically and talking down on you. especially when i graduated much much later than her son (my arrogant cousin brother who is older than me one year) my cousin was sponsored by government scholarship and he did TESL (Teaching English as 2nd Language) but failed to get any interviews in private owned companies.. reason : cant speak english well… hahahahah graduated with TESL but english is bad… that is such a joke! i can just go on and on.. but then enough of venting off..

so i think i got this kind of attitude from my parents, being nice to ppl despite of all the bad things that they have done to me. but deep down inside i am secretly plotting for their downfall. waiting for that day to come upon them.. muahahahaha… just plotting and hoping all the worst things that could happen to ppl. that makes my day everytime. so whenever you see me smiling wickedly all by myself, that is me imagining the downfall of all these ppl who have wronged me… well there is a lot of difference when saying it rather than doing it.

anyway my journey back home was fruitful. it was good meeting and catching up with ex classmates. seeing their beaming faces when we go up the stage to get our scrolls. taking pictures with the whole family to show that at last i have graduated. it has been a long journey but it was worth every minute of it. the entire journey had not been easy and for the faint hearted, i managed to get thru with it and despite all the setbacks that i had, i survived and got thru with good results.

being dramatic here..

hopefully i would be more hardworking in updating my blog as well.. hahahah that is a promise i made to myself at least.

at times when i am all alone at home nowadays, i just wished i had someone by my side. not necessary to talk to but just by my side. especially when i am in a super mood to cuddle up and sleep. at times like this, i wished i had that special someone. but i know that i had it once and that it wasnt meant to be.

why do i have to do this to myself? why do i always myself miserable for no good damn reason? why am i constantly on the road of self destruction and self sabotaging? when things are good in my life, i always managed to find a way to just make it not right and make myself miserable.. am i addicted to bad things happening to me or am i just not capable of enjoying happiness and peace?

but i guess i was never healed from the first place. just that the pain was always there but i always managed to shut it away from my brain and when my mind is left idle and not occupied, i start to ponder and think why is am i so miserable and yet happy? am i truly happy or am i just never meant to achieve even a fraction of happiness no matter with who i am with? when i was with my ex, i was happy but deep in me i am still sad.

at the moment, in terms of goals in my life, i know i am half way there but as for relationship wise, i know i have to sacrifice it becoz i truly believe that i would never feel it anymore. “IT” being that sense of love and happiness with someone and nothing else matters. i dun ever think i can ever get that feeling back again. most probably my heart is so beaten and injured that it just cant repair itself anymore. it just cant simply let anyone in anymore. for me, men are just companions for that short period of time. i never thought that i would have any future with any guy. it would be better off for them to find someone who is worthy of their time. that is why i kept getting involved with the wrong type of guys who i know were never meant to be and who i know will never end up with me for a long term relationship.

no doubt i try to live my life as though it was my last but then sometimes when deep down inside, you know that it wont be your last day and you are goin to go thru life all alone, sometimes that makes life just stings a bit. i see ppl get together, get married, have kids and knowing that i would never get that. seeing my frens getting hooked, then marriage, then kids and grow old with their loved ones. looking at my parents, no doubt they argue all the time and life may not always be in wonderland but at least they got each other.

my advice to ppl : cherish people who are special to you. make them know you love and appreciate the fact that they make a difference in your life. living life without having that person as your anchor is not easy, you be tumbling thru life like a bootle in the sea with no destination.