::mindless blabber::

yes yes i know i have been procasinating again and not updating my blog. a lot has happened in the span of 3 months plus. i quit my job in the island and move back to the center of chaos. yes my hometown KL…

back to KL to work with an MNC in cyberjaya and to start UK hours.. which was the opposite of the hours that i doing in penang. after the 1st week, just felt that it aint working and do i really want to work like this which is so brainless. was given some sweet talking by a former colleague to join him in his company and i quit on the 2nd week at my new job to join him.

little that i know that this company that supposedly boasts world class technology and software have chinaman and low level thinking ppl in the top management. but all in all normal raked people like me have to suck it up and make things work. enough about work…

so what has been goin on in my life? and the so called love life if i do have any of those left to redeem… hahaha… people tell me ..cant u at least be optimistic about that and you eventually find the right guy. problem being i have no problem finding the right guy but it is the question whether the right guy wants to be with me at the first place. i am in no position to even say yes or no becoz once i made up my mind abt a guy abnd that he is the right one, anything else does not matter to me. whether he is a slob or he doesnt flush after he uses the toilet.. its really fine with me. once i like a guy i take him for the good and bad and not change him. problem arises when it is the question whtr he wants to be with me at the first place and take me as i am… the complicated situation and all and i have yet to find any guy (if there is any guy which i like) who is willing to go thru the bullshit crap that i would have to go thru.. unfortunately there isnt any.

what woudl most likely happen is this : boy meets girl… girl likes guy.. guy likes girl.. guy finds out girl’s complicated religion situation… guy get scared and wants to be only frens… girl all alone again… this scenario has been happening for a few cycle and seriously i am getting sick and tired of it. it is fated i guess that i would end up alone and just live my life by myself.. maybe from my previous life, i had been such a bad person and now i deserve to be alone and devote my life for the benefit of others instead of myself. the more i think about it, it really sounds logical becoz despite what i tried to do, it just doesnt work out.

as the chinese saying goes, when it is meant to be it would come to you.. else it just wasnt meant to be.

despite any guy would tells me what a wonderful person i am, what a nice person i am, what a good personality, intelligence and funny i am.. the fact is that the religion part is the one that they cant see pass thru me. its always the religion that is the barrier. then you would probably ask why dun you get someone that is the same religion with you then?? well here is where the complications become even more complicated. eventhough i am born with this religion, i am not able to convert out of this religion becoz of the law. unfortunately as well, i am not willing to find someone of the same religion becoz i do not believe in the religion that i was born with and how can i be with someone of the same religion if i dont believe in it at all?? to get things even more complicated, i believe in alternative philosophy of life which might not sit well with people of my religion. see my complications now??

people said you can always move to another country and be together elsewhere… well as usual it is easier said than done becoz imagine this, how can you ask someone that you love to give everything up here and leave their family and friends to be with the one that you love.. i mean we live in the world of realism nowadays… there are no more these kind of die hard romantics anymore. even if there is, it is really not realistic and also hard.. its not so easy… sad to say real life is not like the movies where you see happy ever after endings…

cynical as usual at looking on how things are put to you in life. imagine in life you are given a platter of items and you can only choose some items and not all. some things in life you can live without and sometimes there are some things that you cant live without. but some strong ones can survive thru life without some these things that we think we might be able to live without. maybe it was meant to be that way for me… i may be granted some things in life and in turn i would have to live my life alone… to end this blog there is song that i want to share.. despites how much i tried.. but it aint gonna be like how this song would be.

Gerhana Ska Cinta - Mimpi

Ku ingin terbang ke awan,
Menggapai bintang-bintang,
Dalam kegelapan malam,
Kuidamkan satu taman,
Dan juga mahligai,
Yang indah tak ternilai

Tapi semua hanya khayalan,
Yang bermain dalam fikiran,
Tak mungkin dapat ku bertahan,
Yang tinggal hanyalah impian

Namun ku masih menchoba,
Untuk punya segalanya,
Walaupun bertahun lama,
Smoga kan terlaksana.

sometimes change is unavoidable. some changes are due to demands, need and just becoz someone needs something else. yes i have been MIA for quite sometime here but it is becoz i just made the decision to quit my job in penang and come back to KL for another job. no doubt the job scope would be similar and the hours are different (UK shift hours for the job in KL) but i think it is time for me to leave penang.

not that i do not like the job in penang but then i have started not to look forward coming to work everyday. sometimes it is a sign to yourself that you are not enjoying the job. i enjoyed the job at first. during the 1st 3 months on the job but after that it just got more and more worse. plus the life style in penang is not in sync with the my work life style. at work, it is stressful and up tight but then the penang lifestyle is easy and slow. sometimes it does make me feel lazy and not want to go to work.

but when i was back in KL, everything was fast paced, the job, the lifestyle and you have to have the stamina to keep up with everything. it is best that i go back to that lifestyle else if i get too relaxed, i would never want to move on and or move up in my life. i guess looking at some ppl in my team, some of them have been on the job for a couple of years and doing the same thing every day. they have not gotten anywhere in their career or they just simply are too relaxed in their current role. looking at that, it would be impossible for me to see myself on the same job and on the same role for more than 1-2 years time. i would want to either move up or move to different role within that time. but looking at the lifestyle and also the way things are done in the company, it would be impossible for me to move upwards in the company if i do not put in at least a few years time on a certain role.

that is why i made the decision to move to another company and hopefully that i could do better there. speaking of moving back to KL, i realised that there is so many things that i got here… i gotten really comfortable here and bought many things in penang. now i am thinking how on earth am i gonna move all these things back??? so i be moving back after chinese new year as my new job would be starting on the 1st of march.

when i gave my resignation letter on tuesday, i actually felt really relieved and that this is the a good decision. i cant tell whether it would be the right decision but i know i made a good decision for myself. i cant predict the future so i guess for now i just have to make do with what i have.

also moving back to kl doesnt mean that i am moving back with my parents. i was actually surprised to find out that my dad was really ok if i were to live on my own back in kl. he told me that it would be better as he find that maybe if i had my own life outside it would make the relationship between me and my parents better. i guess it does. as far as i know, i want to make things easier for my parents. i do not really mind what they think of me but what as long as i do my best to help them.

anyway will post again tomorrow (i promise) coz i wont be doin anything tmrw as it would be singles most dreaded day : Valentine’s Day… humbug… yuck..

good bye 2006… hello 2007. i remember a similar post i wrote on new year eve last year 2005. reading it was so depressing coz it sounded depressing, miserable and just really sad. i guess ppl go thru phases in their life. i think that year it was one of the lowest point of my life but there had been worst ones before.

looking back at i managed to survive all of it and came out alive. well now i am kissing goodbye to 2006 with a jump. year 2006 would be a turning point in my life from student to working adult status. from living with parents to living on my own. from living in a place close to friends to a place with strangers who later became my friends. from couplehood to singlehood. many good memories and crazy ones too.

maybe it is also a period of total self discovery. found that i could be spiritual too… found that dalai lama books makes a lot of sense for ppl like me. found that things happened not just for coincidently but it happens for a reason if you really sit and take a look back and think deeply. am beginning to think that there would still be hope in the personal relationship department… found that i still got wat it takes to do web development. found that my love for books can really help ppl.

besides ending the year still single but happier than last year, i guess i couldnt ask for anything different to happen to me. i guess the choices that i made this year had been good. i wouldnt say the decisions were the right decisions coz there is really no right or wrong decisions as at the end of it, it is still a decision and a choice had been made. many ppl would think that i had made a crazy decision moving to penang but i guess it is a good one as it open my heart and eyes to many new things eventhough i came from a big city. even though moving to small city would give u many new experiences.

well i guess i better pen off.. got to work tomorrow…. well at least the loud hokkien concert near my place is over and i can sleep peacefully now.. hahahaha

have been in a hiatus for quite some time now. time to break the missing in action attitude amy. yeah yeah.. its the holidays seasons.. a great time to go MIA for a while. just in a blink of the eye and it is christmas today.

imagine at this very moment last year, i went thru the hardest part of the holiday season last year. many things happened last. many things happened this year as well. no longer labelled a student but a young adult ready to venture out the working life. it is not as though i have not been in the working life before but this time it is a lot different.

usually at the end of the year, we normally will reflect on things that happened thru out the year and reflect on things we done, have not done and things to do for the new year. pretty sure that the year 2006 would be a memorable one for me as there was so many things happening in my life that totally changed the course of my life for years to come.

i have officially gotten my degree and then move out from my parents and staying on my own in a different state with a totally new job. that by itself was so such a major change. many people think i was crazy to leave everything i have in KL and move to penang to a new job. i have my family, friends and most of my life was spent living in KL. normally you will hear stories of the small town girl/boy moving to a big city but never of the story of big city girl to a small town. funny right?

well my friends said i was crazy but then they would have known as they know i never do things which is ordinary or sane. in fact even my parents thought i was crazy as they think i would never survived on my own but then as all parents are they never really know their own children. my parents think i am still a small girl with two pony tails. hahahaha…

i just wondered sometimes time really flies when you are living it the fullest. i discovered many things about myself this year. just realised that i am capable of many things and what are my limits in life. finding an identity of myself and what are the next few steps i want to take in life. found peace with old enemies especially with myself. i am my worse enemy really. sometimes i find that i am a double personality kindof person. there is the logical and sensible amy and there is this emotional and fragile amy. beside that i discovered spiritualism that really helped me find peace in myself, my parents and lots of old anger that i normally keep within myself.

i met a lot of people this year who helped me found myself. some good ones, some bad ones… but no matter whether they are good or bad, they tigger a change in my life. like a small ripple on a pool of water and it changes everything.

i am still good friends with my ex. many people were surprised especially my close friends when i told them that i am still in touch with my ex eventhough the breakup was kindof bad. but i think if you know a person for so long (in this case 4 years) and u were close with that person for so long, it would be difficult to just suddenly break off the connection and relationship. although we are no longer a couple anymore, the connection and relationship that we had cant just suddenly be broken apart. what i know now is that i can be his friend and he can confide to me when he needs someone to hear him out. i also wish him all the best in his present relationship with his current gf. come to think of it, i am like a private emotional therapist for him now.. hahahaha maybe i should start charging him… heheheh (just joking lar)

although i do not really understand or talk much to my parents but i am no longer angry towards them anymore. it is really hard for them to understand me and hard for me to even understand them. a friend told me that relationship that had be severed many years ago can be mended but normally it takes one party to initiate the mending process. it is not that i do not want to mend the relationship with my parents but i rather not have my parents know things about me especially some things that my parents (which i know) would never understand and comprehend. it is rather weird when i heard thru the phone when my dad said he loves me and i do not know how to answer him back. as far as how things are goin, i happy that i do not have arguements with them. i only wished that i could helped out with the family matters as much as i can to make things easier on their side.

beside working life, my personal life still remain the same but then i met someone whom i really like. unfortunately life does not always work the way you want it to be all the time. the person i like just wants to be friends which is totally fine with me. hopefully time can change things and always hope for the best. yeah it is hard for to be just friends with a person whom u are fond of and not start thinking abt that person all the time. sometimes women are just so biologically programmed to think abt getting hooked up, married and have kids when they start to be fond of a guy. must be something to do with the biological clock.. its makes women think crazy things… hahahah just found out from my cousin that our other cousin (girl) is getting married. this means that we, my cousin and i both are the remaining girls in the family not married yet. all my other cousins (all girls) are married and some have kids.

my cousin warned me that our grandma (bless her she is 80++) will be targetting both of us soon during chinese new year. time to plot our escapes when the time comes. hahahah we get it every year from our relatives, questions when we are getting married although we told them we do not even have a bf yet. then they would ask when are we getting a bf, we tell them that career comes first as both of us are the only ones that gotten degrees. questions after questions.. this do not just happen only on my mother’s side of the family, it happens on my father’s side of the family.

is there some thing wrong if a girl doesnt get married at a certain age?? so what if we end up being spinsters? sometimes life are just easier and less complicated if you are single. but then being single can be complicated as well if you make it complicated.. well i know coz sometimes i just make things complicated coz i am a complicated kindof a person.. confusing right? which one comes first? me being complicated or me making things complicated?? i dont know… i am getting confused myself. hahahah

anyway at times like this especially during the holidays seasons it is not difficult to find yourself miserable especially when u are alone and all you see are couples “happily” walking in shopping malls hand in hand. i put “happily” coz it is just i see on the surface but we never know the things that goes on beneath.

i guess whether you are single or in a relationship with someone, there are good and bad things abt it. the point is that you have to face it when it comes and no matter what happens, it builds your character and prepares you for things to come in your life. i guess once in a while in a certain point of time in everyone’s life, people experienced loneliness, happiness, sadness no matter.

well seems everything is mellow in my personal life but how abt my workin life? well i like my job but it is has been taking a toll in my life. besides sucking almost most of my time it also sucks up most of the enjoyment for the job. time to move or stay? short of 4 months more before i reach one year on the job. seems that time really flies… many people in my team left and some new faces came and gone as well. now under new management, it seems that they are under fire most of time and who else will get the wrath of it?? all of us under them.

am in sort of a dilemma, if i move back to KL for work and i do not want to stay back with my parents then where should i stay? but that depends where is my next job goin to take me. no way in hell i am gonna stay back with my parents.. hahahaha i like my independence and privacy which i am having now. i only need to conform to my rules… if only things would fall into place then it would be just be perfect… hehehe wishful thinking…

more to write after the new year or maybe prior to that…

its thursday now and i am so looking forward to friday… its the weekend… so looking forward for some good old beauty sleep. i mean i do sleep on normal days but then most of the time i would be waking up every hour to check on my watch and hopefully i dun oversleep. that is the perk of working off shift hours. this entire month my work hours are from 4am till 1pm.. it is only on the weekend that i get a good 8 hours of solid undisturbed sleep. i know its bad for my health but i am so used to it. my mom said i am gonna look like 40 by the time i turned 30 but most ppl wont believe my age when they know my real age. they always thought i was younger.

most ppl like my work colleagues all thought i was this blur just out of college graduate who do not know anything abt working life. little that there know i have been working since i was 17. and little that they know i work in various kind of industry and encountered numerous different ppl. why do i give such 1st impression to other ppl? hmm maybe its that blur and innocent look that i have.. wahahahaha btw i can be evil looking if i want. i can potray many kinds of feelings and looks. i am a good actress and i have pretended to just get things to go my way.. like when i was to attend a job interview, i told my supervisor that my grandpa was in hospital (but my grandpa passed away eons ago) i fake anxiety and sadness… good huh??

certain point in our life we have to play pretend, we just have to.. there are too many fake ppl out there and there are ppl who would bully u with their great acting skills and then climb over your head if you are not careful. i am a very skeptic kind of person and paranoid sometimes. i am skeptic when i met someone who everyone sing high praises abt and also when ppl mentioned that they are this and this good. i mean someone who is really good at something wont sing their own praises… they just keep quiet and make sure only the relevant ppl hear these praises. that is what i would do..